OBSESSED

Some are billionaires at 20

I can't even remember what I was doing at 20

Alot of "me's" claim to be hustling

On that grind you know that paper they're chasing

But sometimes people don't realize

the more you chase something the further it runs from you.

I don't chase what's not mine

I don't chase anything at all

anything but drinks and even that is once in a blue moon

haha

But I'm grown now

I'm not about that life.

Is what I keep reminding my hangover

Every other morning.

I'll get it right

I know I will

One step at a time

I know there'll be footprints like

I was here and here....

So it's been eons since I wrote anything, frankly I've been pretty blank all this time. Not like there's something worthwhile to write about now haha It's just been veeeery long months. Such drastic things happened, you know, like Obama came and all..... the world has been busy with stuff and me well I kinda felt like sleeping beauty who's life was basically standstill through everything.

Remember the book I said I was working on? Turns out I'm really bad at commitment and shit I saw the file juzi and read through it and I was like " WHAT IS THIS I WAS PRESENTING TO THE WORLD???" Everyone has had that moment when you looked at someone and slapped yourself, HARD, for ever seeing anything attractive or when you see that text you sent and wanted to throw your phone away coz what the fuck was that mahn.... and as I digress, moral of this portion of my story is, sometimes you don't always have to finish what you've started.

See I'm the type of person that gets an idea and gets all excited and happy inside then I start planning stuff and I start living in this fantasy world where all my plans have worked and I'm rich and famous and inspirational... then after a few days, because usually it's just a few days, I fall really fast from the clouds and I second guess just about everything. And I just so happen to be very pessimistic. I will see all the bad in something and all the unnecessary risks I have to take and eventually abort the mission. Up to this point in time since the beginning of my existence I have had countless missions, and oh, I'm a dreamer so you can just imagine. But I believe one day I'm gonna get it right and I'll finally figure out what's the right dream to work on. Even this blog is a dream in progress maybe it'll go on maybe it'll disappear who knows? My current obsession now is being a rapper. You laugh now but I will have you know, that I am laughing with you too...

I was watching some program on TV can't remember what it's called, something 254, and they were hosting Muthoni the Drummer Queen; and founder of Blankets and Wine. And in her closing remarks she said something like; as much as people always say you shouldn't give up on something, sometimes you have to know when to stop, let it go, re-strategize or just leave it altogether. My life kinda flashed before my eyes for a moment and I thought, wow, that makes so much sense. Sometimes we force issues on so many things, we insist on an idea, we persist and persist and persist until it's an unhealthy obsession... and we never have peace because of it. Not everything is worth your time and your energy, like drawing endlessly on your eyebrows to make the perfect arc girl, stop it. Use that time to assure yourself that you're pretty anyway.

Funny how we end up obsessing on such superficial and vain things like our appearance and attention from people we deem important or necessary in our life. We chase after people and things and it's all in a bid to satisfy a hunger that's never gonna be satisfied. This has been said over and over, but trust me when I say God loves you anyway lol like it doesn't have to make sense but it's true. You don't even have to believe in Him or not but He does and because of that you should cut yourself some slack. I know we don't live with God, we live with humans whom we feel we need to impress and suck up to to get by in life. But you also live with yourself. And is it worth beating yourself up for something that's gonna give you a feel-good feeling for a couple of days or even minutes and then you're back on that journey again??

Next time you wanna embark on something, or you're obsessing over getting something or someone ask yourself, is this really really worth it? Is this achievement going to make me happy and proud for a day or two or is it something I'll have to keep doing? Is it worth losing sleep over? Is it worth this much effort and dedication and diligence? You're the only one who knows the answer to all that, it's your sweat honey.

Just know

The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

JUDGE ME NOT

One two three

number of weeks I've been waiting

for the expected

y'know, after I took the pills.

It wasn't my fault

technically

it broke in the process;

blame physics I guess.

But I was drunk too

or high

or both, to remember what happened.

I just take precautions

lol

Irony of that now

considering the ultimate is abstinence.

haha

that word has always been too long

maybe that's why I don't remember it.

Oh well, back to the bathroom where I left it.

Eight nine ten

minutes I've been counting

with wild thoughts in my head.

Damn, it's positive.

I checked.

This is my third test by the way.

My life flashes before my eyes

literally

the events of that night

the few memories I can savage

because it was full of emptiness.

What do I do?

Should I tell him?

Will he even do anything about it?

Does he even still have my number

or did he lose it with his phone

for the hundredth time this month.

Four five

seconds I've been ringing his phone

"Hello? Who's this?"

Okay girl,

this is it... 

When I was small, there a lot of things I said I'd never do. A lot of circumstances I used to judge. I grew up in the church you see, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing entirely, but there are certain behaviours you grow up with. Like hypocrisy. Man is to error, nobody is perfect, but when you grow up in the church some errors are worse than others. The errors that can be seen I guess. Being pregnant, having tattoos, having "ungodly" friends blah blah And it's not only in the church but in our society too. Some issues are judged upon more gravely than others.

This past years, so much has changed. When I think about all the things I grew up knowing was wrong and how many of them are off my bucket list already haha I can't help feeling sorry for the church. Most PK (Pastor's Kid) usually end up worse than most kids and I know why because I'm more or less one of them. There's so much pressure to be perfect and be the best example and pretending can only last so long. Curiosity is in everyone, including Christians. Just that it's easier for kids that are aren't brought up in the church because they're allowed to make mistakes. I'm not saying they're allowed to do whatever they want, but it's less taboo if you drank wine you took from your dad's cabinet I mean, it was there it's not a new phenomenon. But for PK's and those close, almost everything is taboo and it's only human to want to experience things. Only, we end up not doing it in moderation because we're tryna do everything at once coz it's such few chances you'll get. You can't talk to your parents about going out or for a concert who's dj is not a Christian. Usual questions "Which church does she go to? Do her parents go to church? Give me her parent's number I talk to them." Now I get there's the need to protect a child and to "lead them in the ways of the Lord" but children are children. You automatically grow up knowing people that don't go to church are bad and are going to hell, which is not the case. Then you grow up, you talk less to your parents because you know they would never approve of anything because it's not godly. This I think is why we have so many PKs everywhere going crazy with immorality and recklessness because as soon as they're out of their parents' house, freedom is all they see.

People like to talk and judge things they think they are above. Your unguarded strength is your greatest weakness. And this is true. Most self-righteous people that think "Aaaah, that's never happening to me." most times end up in that same trap. Pastors, priests, bishops have fallen so many times- stealing and mostly adultery. And most people that judge them are saying this with their mpango wa kandos "Mi hawa mapastor siwaamini". It's funny considering you're doing the same thing but it's allowed for you because you're not a pastor haha people are funny.

If someone steals don't condemn them while you know personally gossiping is your second name. It's easy to talk from the other end I tell you but no one wants to be condemned. Life is unfair and people go through weird experiences, some of which we can never really understand.

JUDGE NOT THOSE THAT SIN DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU.

UNTITLED

She's so beautiful seated against the window

 Her small black eyes, you should see how they roll back

how they roll back

when she's smiling, when she's talking

when she's letting you into her mind

She's so beautiful.

She's intelligent, books against her petite chest

Her pretty fingers as she pushes back her brown hair

her brown hair

when she's walking, sound of her echo

her mind takes me out of this world

She's so beautiful.

I miss how we used to hold hands

how we called each other best friend

I miss

our upside down kiss

 the dimple above your cheek

I  miss I miss I miss.

This was a song I wrote to my then best friend of some couple of years ago. Background to this story,,, well let's assume this is the part where I flashback to like when I was a kid.

Okay so, some day when I was in form three or for those lucky ones lol grade sijui its eleven or twelve. So, it was the day I was going back to school, boarding of course. Now the supermarket was walking distance to our place so I was given money to do my shopping and was to be packed and ready to leave by 3pm. I was to be in school by 3:30pm and it was close to home too like 15 minute drive (okay driving with my mum who drives like a matatu driver). So I took a lazy walk to the supermarket, did my kidogo shopping frowning at how everything was suddenly so expensive and how I had to leave a lot out. When I was done I started walking lazily back to the house. I had to pass through a railway then reach some point where I divert now to the road that's taking me home. I'm busy listening to my playlist seeing as it'll be the last time I'll listen to my music in like two months. I kept looking behind to check if a train was coming or anything y'know, just to be sure, I'm deaf sometimes plus I had earphones on up to the highest volume it was basically a club in my head.

I had noticed some goofy man following me, short, not built, weird hat and a heavy jumper whilst it was like 100 degrees tsk nway so I divert and he's still walking behind me. He then detours and goes to some bushes and I thought he was taking a piss which is a habit I absolutely HATE in men so I just roll my eyes and walk on. After a while he's back behind me. My naiive mind is thinking " Oh wow! Kumbe we're even going in the same direction. He must be one of those mjengo guys." and I keep on walking slowly. Then eventually I feel him closely behind me so I remove one earphone and move to the side near the wall thinking he was in a bit of a hurry, maybe he's late after their lunch break. Then he starts fixing his belt so furiously and I'm thinking " kwani he didn't have enough time to do that in the bush." Then he starts closing in on me, walking slowly besides me so I suddenly turn to find him staring at me so lustfully. At this point he apparently considered it the best time to "fix his belt" right infront of me, you can just imagine my shock. I immediately dropped my shopping and stood transfixed to the ground depressingly unable to take my eyes off this man who was masturbating right before my eyes without any shame whatsoever. He then said "Ama unaitaka? Unataka nikuingie?" I couldn't talk I just shook my head and desperately wanted to move but couldn't. He said "Basi enda kabla nikushike" then he started ejaculating everywhere. That gave me the strength from God knows where and I took my bags and ran like I've never ran before and trust me I'm the laziest bitch in the world. I got home, went straight to my room, sat on my bed and closed my eyes. But there are just some things you can't unsee.

I texted my boyfriend at the time who was also my closest friend (whom I soon broke up with because of reasons that will be explained in the next two paragraphs) and told him what happened. He called me almost immediately, he was pretty upset and I could sense in his voice he was also scared on my behalf and now that I think about it, scared that another man just ruined the whole concept of the male anatomy for me. I took a shower and got ready for school. My mum came to pick me up, we went to school, I didn't tell her about it and she still doesn't know up to this day. I know she'll say "Nilikuambia mara ngapi usitembee pekee yako kwa hio kichochoro?" haha but I still love her even with her tough love.

Point is, from that day, men were a complete turn off till I finished highschool. So yes, I turned lesbian and I-for some funny reason-do not regret a damn thing I did during that phase. Curiosity killed the cat but I like to say, the cat had nine lives haha I got into trouble a MILLION times but you know when you're "young" everything you do feels right and you'll defend it with all you've got coz at that point in time it's all you know. This is why I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, it was that serious.
 

When I put my head into something I go all in so I had got a girlfriend. Okay I'm speaking as if she was somewhere just waiting to be picked up lol but, I had a girlfriend. Pretty as hell. She could dance, still does :) She was my roommate and she's the first person I told my almost-rape encounter. She was a new student and had been in our school like half a term. But we clicked and became "bffs" right away. She instinctively became my bestfriend with time especially a year after when people "busted us" which they didn't technically coz noone had ever caught us in the act. What act you ask? Google has that covered :) Anyway, what I was saying is. Before I finished highschool I had big dreams of being a musician. And considering I'd started writing poems since I was like 11 I decided when I actually do an album, no matter how old I'll be, I'll remember to include that song about my young flame back when I was young and reckless. Not that I'm now old but I'm kinda grown up now. I finished highschool met men out here who reminded me why I was a woman haha (Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner welcome to our world btw).

Why did I decide to post this, because it's her birthday this month and it's about the time when we first met. And I just remembered all that happened since then and now. We have been through so much, we were beaten up, we cried together, we were separated and prohibited from being seen together for months, we were hated, people didn't want to sit with us haha I wish they knew they weren't even my type anyway. But we finished school and amazingly stayed friends. We're both straight now, I think we even forgot about those years. We have fought so many times, there are times I'd want to strangle the life out of her but, when you think about starting friendship with other people that don't know you, that don't get you, don't know your angles haha I'd rather make it work with that one person that values our friendship as much as I do. So treasure the close friends in your life coz we all have that one person we'd take a bullet for. They are the family we choose.

Know your own

So, no poem today lol Exam's have been all up in my ass I've not had a chance to be inspirational. Also, I did not have something worth writing about. But today. I do. As usual, I'm complaining about something coz I'm just that kind of person (no apologies hihi)
 
My mother, who happens to be a psychologist and LOOOVES analyzing me, once gave me some piece of advice I would like to share. I remember I was busy complaining about something that happened in my high school and as usual, she listened to everything, nodded but instead of sharing in my pain or helping me to bad mouth the school director (who I still dislike up to today) like what my small mind expected, she turned off the TV and started the most heartfelt lecture I ever had in my life. Which has surprisingly been something I follow through with to this day.


She told me "Mwende, there are three kinds of problems in life. There are problems that YOU have to deal with yourself and shouldn't let anybody take care of. There are problems you cannot solve on your own and you need OTHERS to help you with. Then there are problems that neither you nor other people can solve and only GOD can handle it. Now everybody has problems but most times we don't know what kind of problems we have. We have some things that we need to let others help with but we're so busy trying to fix it yourself maybe tryna prove that we are tough and can take on anything. There are times when honestly, you should take charge of your life and just handle your shit and not involve others or much less God I mean, he has the rest of the world to take care of too. Then there are times we just kazana with something that we can't change at all and we just need to humble ourselves, and ask God to intervene. So, every time you have an issue, whether I'm there or not, always ask yourself, what kind of a problem is this and what is the best way to take care of it? Asking for advice is fine but using your brain can be useful too."

Then she turned on the tv and asked me to make some tea *sighs* Kind of explains why I don't talk to her about my problems since then but all in all, I thank her so much for that insight. Coz she won't always be there to advice me on stuff. And she might be there too but she doesn't want to coz sometimes mothers are mean like that lol
 
So this past couple of months, I've been listening to people talk about what's happening in their lives and all. And as the bad habit I picked up from my mum, I like to psycho-analyse (not sure what that really means but it felt cool using it) people. And I proved her theory too, people really don't know their problems. A girl can complain all day long about guys and how they're useless and everything and how they always want to "use" her. And I'm using this example because obviously a girl and this subject is so close to home we do this ALL THE TIME believe me. But sometimes if we really think about it, some things we can just handle ourselves. If a guy keeps hurting me and he's not useful in my life, I don't see a reason to keep entertaining such pain in my life. And guess what, nobody has to know. If I can pick up the phone and call it quits I don't need to tell the world what is happening. At the end of the day it is MY problem, not my whole class' or facebook's or instagram's. Sometimes we like to involve the world in our issues and if you really think about it, it's none of their business. Let them fish around for info but don't give them something to feed on. Let them make your problems their own, on their own, but don't make your problems theirs. Idk if that makes sense but I think it sheds some light kidogo.

Otherwise, I also have a small message for the guys y'know, those ones that are still not men hehe we are running out of men and it's so sad. We're like a million chics out here and men are like 100. So I thought maybe guys don't know what we want from them coz I realized we have some SERIOUS miscommunication thing happening. Wherever did chivalry disappear to? Did it sink along with the titanic ship?? Would you imagine that it actually doesn't hurt to be nice to a girl and treat her like a lady. And treating her like a lady doesn't mean being expensive coz that's what guys tend to do instead. Taking a girl somewhere expensive and treating her like crap doesn't make her feel good inside, just makes her stomach full and bitter. Be nice, genuinely care about her and her well-being. Know some things about her life, her school stuff, family, friends if you have to, her ambitions, her passion in life and figure out a way to make yourself an asset in her life. If you can't be that guy then just be honest. Life is short y'know? Tusiwastiane time pia. Let a girl know your intentions from the beginning, don't string her along with your confusion coz you don't want to be alone. If you don't know what you want and it's too soon to decide, I'm sure there's words that can be used to express that. Ladies want a man who knows what he wants. It kinda helps to know where you're going with your life and where you plan to see yourself in like five years. At least have an idea, oooor,,, you can also stop being so big headed and talk it out with your girl. They say behind every successful man is a strong woman, They didn't invent that out of the blues. Women can influence your success, for the better or worse, that's upon you though but just know the kind of woman you want by your side and go out and get her. Also, ladies want a man that has his shit together. Our generation has issues it's true, we all have daddy mommy financial family school issues blah blah but it's NOT sexy to see a man being a girl about it. Don't complain about how your brother or sister is always favoured yet you're the one that's always coming home late drunk and does nothing around. They kinda have a reason don't they? Don't be all out about how broke you are yet you somehow always have money for drinks and partying. Priorities maybe? Girls, stop letting guys think it's okay to pay his fare all the time when he spends the little he has to buy a pack of cigarettes. 21st Century and all, we're kinda becoming stupid. Let men be men and handle their shit, take care of their lives, do something about their problems. It's reassuring to know a guy has a messed up past but is doing something about making his future the complete opposite.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm on some loooong journey to starting my own you tube channel coz typing mahn.... Most people don't like to read, this generation though SMH,,, but maybe this is MY problem to deal with idk haha but this is me subtly and indirectly soliciting for subscribers :)


Either way,

Know your shit, know what's yours and what isn't.

BE WISE.

Grown Woman

And then I smiled.

Because he’d cracked a joke

Or maybe because he was around me

And I knew I’d give almost anything

To keep him there.

Maybe I smiled

Because I didn’t have to.

And he enjoyed my company too

He said it every time we were together.

He said I was interesting.

I believed him; because it’s true.

And I smiled too because

I knew he meant it from his heart.

“I got you”. He whispered.

I looked up and our eyes met.

I felt safe because he was strong enough

And I smiled again because

He knew I was falling.

It was prohibited. He was taken.

And I wasn’t spoken for.

But forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.

And although curiosity killed the cat

The cat had nine lives.

I am not afraid to cry in his arms

Because he’ll kiss away the tears

And his tenderness will make them dry.

He said “forever”. I smiled.

Because forever doesn’t exist

And maybe because

It meant he was going to break my heart

With a promise he couldn’t keep.

Yet I smiled, because I knew.

Ever watched in the movies how a bad guy hooks up with a good naïve girl and he falls for her and then after they have fun and he starts getting attached to her he tells her that he’s bad for her and pushes her away. Saying he is protecting her from him. This probably makes sense because he IS in fact a heart breaker. Yet, I find it very selfish. Because, he doesn’t know that the girl is strong enough to take it and she too has some serious baggage. And he is the one that is scared of being attached to that good girl that for some reason takes all his crap and sticks with him anyway.

Funny how most people assume that girls/ladies/women are weak at heart. Yes we’re emotional, yes we’re melodramatic at times, and yes, sometimes we go to extreme measures to get over something. But bottom line is, we get through it. Ladies are stronger than most people think. We go through so much even just by the simple fact of being a lady. You think its easy waking up every morning looking like a goddess? We go through so much. We have to be strong for ourselves AND our friends. We need to learn how to say no when we mean it, and no when we don’t mean it coz at the end of the day, we suffer the most. But we get by alright. We wake up, look good even when we don’t try, we do what we gotta do coz the future depends on us. We’ll be mothers at some point, carrying some 3kg load around for months and make sure it gets out okay for us to be full-time parents for the next 20 years of them growing up. Sometimes it’s scary thinking I’ll ever be responsible for someone else’s life, health, education and general well-being when I know how much I struggle to remind myself to brush my teeth every night. I guess when the time is right, I’ll be ready. And even when it comes as a surprise, coz I know that’s still within the realm of possibilities, I’ll have to get my act together and get ready. Ever noticed how there are more single mums than single dads? Ever wondered why it’s the woman that gives forth life and not the man? I think God knew, considering he’d made him Himself, God knew man couldn’t handle it. He’d just commit suicide or go crazy or something but basically, we got that job. I think all your life as a woman you’re psychologically and emotionally trained to just take eveeeeerything and still be able to stand tall coz if we fall there’s no one to catch us mahn we ARE the ground.

I know I went all feminist and women rights activist up there but what I’m tryna say is, WE CAN TAKE IT. Unless a girl tells you herself “I can’t deal with this” chances are guys, she can. And she probably will. Just because you think if you were in such a position you couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean she can’t coz she’s a girl, coz she’s emotional. Coz she’ll just catch feelings. At least we don’t have to pretend we don’t. Quit underestimating us. So next time you give someone that speech about how you’re badass and you’ll break her heart and you’re so bad for them and they deserve someone better. Remember that she has a brain too. And trust me, she knows your “badass” and that’s probably why she’s still around. To prove to you that she can take care of herself coz she’s a woman. And when she won’t be able to take it she’ll let you know coz she can stand up for herself. And also, next time you watch a movie where the guy is pushing the girl away, remember, he’s just a coward. So turn it off and watch a movie with a real man in it.

L.O.V.E.

It's the way his voice sounded

and how words rolled off his lips.

It's the way he mentioned my name

when he was trying to make a point.

It's the way that he smiled

and how soft the curve was shaped.

It's the way his mouth looked

when he was about to laugh.

It's the way he gazed at me

and how his eyes pierced into mine.

It's the way he stops mid-sentence and stares

that makes me want to pee myself.

It's the way his breath felt

when he whispered in my ear.

It's the way his body heat turned me on

and that was not even meant to be a pun.

It's the way his hands clasped around mine

and made me feel warm.

It's the way his arms engulfed me

and I got lost in his world.

It's the way he would hold me

and own me like a trophy.

It's the way he'd carry me around

like I was his favorite prize.

It's the way his lips would suck mine

and make me lose all sense of control.

It's the way he would take his time

to devour every inch of me.

It's the way he teased

when he'd want to drive me wild.

It's the way he'd spin me around

and let me take him for a ride.

It's how he'd look at me

like he knows me inside and out.

It's how he'd wait for me

and never left me behind.

It's how he'd cuddle me

and lay awake till morning light.

It's how much I reminisce

and wish we could do it all over again.

Love.

Lust.

The L word. Infatuation, crush blah blah all these smart words people throw around tryna confuse our heads when bottom line is, you basically can't stop thinking about someone and whatever it is that you want from them. At what point do we tell the difference?? Please when you do find out let me know coz I'm also lost.

Ever watched a movie/programe/ series and you felt like they were acting your life? Like they just read a page from last year and added it to the script just so you can shit your pants when watching it? Okay, not literally, but I've had those moments. Which reminds me, I am writing a book. I've been writing it since sijui form three and I'm at chapter six. It's an autobiography :) Sometimes when bad or dramatic things happen in my life I think to myself "this would make an interesting read" and then I lose psyche because I keep remembering that my parents will probably want to read and I'm not so sure they'd wanna know what I've been upto since highschool-that guarantees no inheritance and I really need that house :)

So anyway, where was I? Yes, my life in a movie. I am sadly and shockingly the type that cries in a movie. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic and you didn't know this until I told you because I'm very good at hiding things. But say something like The Fault in our Stars. Saddest shit ever yoh that movie should be banned. I felt emotions I didn't even know existed. Thought of things that only depressed people think about. Like if I die right now. Ok not right now right now like after-an-hour right now... how would people react? Yeah I know people would be devastated coz I'm adorable and all that ((lazima nijiamini msee)) but who's life would literally STOP? The thought of Kathleen dying will just be so painful and so unreal to them they'd fall into a trance and be traumatized and not talk in like 10 years. Okay hapo nime-exaggerate but it's sad that I came to the conclusion that I don't know if such a person exists. But I know who would die and my world would just crumble.

Which brings me to something they call love lorn. Unrequited love. What has been the story of my life since I was born. Maybe even before lol Okay, I might have had some breakthroughs in the past year, but they were just that, breakthroughs. And nowadays, people date for ALL the wrong reasons. Fame, money, can't be alone, to make the ex jealous, he/she is so sexy, constant tap. Maybe I'm too ol'school and ol'fashioned and unrealistic but once upon a time I was in love ( oh that L word ). And it was the best feeling in the world, also the worst hehe but the good ALWAYS gets you through the bad. And I'm not even kidding. That's how I know for sure that love really is out there, no matter how much people say it isn't. And no matter how NON-EXISTENT it is in my world right now haha I feel like it took a vacation and it kinda got lost but I know it'll find its way back. Because I damn well deserve it, and we all do. Does that mean we should stop having mediocre relationships? No, we can have whomever we want. But we know deep down that it ain't real. And I just think if it ain't real, why bother? I'd rather put all my energy into a future real than a present fake coz when you do get someone that's down for you, you won't have anything left to give.

I was talking to my.... let's call him a very good friend yesterday and he actually sorta inspired this post. He was talking bout some girl he likes who thinks bewitched him ((btw did I mention I'm Kamba? We have a reputation....)) and he said "What I have with her is love. She's not just some beauty queen. Simple. A little crazy and stubborn and very naiive... I think I love her flaws even better...". Now I know this guy, not all my life duuuh but for a while and I NEVER in my life thought he'd ever say that about another human being let alone a girl that he actually gives a shit about. So now I know guys have hearts despite how they like to pretend they "don't catch feelings" haha it just takes the right kinda girl from the blues to get you hooked.

This gave me a lot of hope which I'd like to infect to anyone else reading this. For those girls who think all guys are the same, they can change!! :) And to all guys who are tired of the same old shallow shit and you need a girl that can actually cook and clean, there is hope. (And yes I can cook and clean)

This post was super sentimental but I'd like to blame the fact that I din't have coffee in the morning and my class bounced and it's my girl's birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOBOO) and I'm all kinds of emotions bundled up into one so *sighs* let's fall in love this 2015.