OBSESSED

Some are billionaires at 20

I can't even remember what I was doing at 20

Alot of "me's" claim to be hustling

On that grind you know that paper they're chasing

But sometimes people don't realize

the more you chase something the further it runs from you.

I don't chase what's not mine

I don't chase anything at all

anything but drinks and even that is once in a blue moon

haha

But I'm grown now

I'm not about that life.

Is what I keep reminding my hangover

Every other morning.

I'll get it right

I know I will

One step at a time

I know there'll be footprints like

I was here and here....

So it's been eons since I wrote anything, frankly I've been pretty blank all this time. Not like there's something worthwhile to write about now haha It's just been veeeery long months. Such drastic things happened, you know, like Obama came and all..... the world has been busy with stuff and me well I kinda felt like sleeping beauty who's life was basically standstill through everything.

Remember the book I said I was working on? Turns out I'm really bad at commitment and shit I saw the file juzi and read through it and I was like " WHAT IS THIS I WAS PRESENTING TO THE WORLD???" Everyone has had that moment when you looked at someone and slapped yourself, HARD, for ever seeing anything attractive or when you see that text you sent and wanted to throw your phone away coz what the fuck was that mahn.... and as I digress, moral of this portion of my story is, sometimes you don't always have to finish what you've started.

See I'm the type of person that gets an idea and gets all excited and happy inside then I start planning stuff and I start living in this fantasy world where all my plans have worked and I'm rich and famous and inspirational... then after a few days, because usually it's just a few days, I fall really fast from the clouds and I second guess just about everything. And I just so happen to be very pessimistic. I will see all the bad in something and all the unnecessary risks I have to take and eventually abort the mission. Up to this point in time since the beginning of my existence I have had countless missions, and oh, I'm a dreamer so you can just imagine. But I believe one day I'm gonna get it right and I'll finally figure out what's the right dream to work on. Even this blog is a dream in progress maybe it'll go on maybe it'll disappear who knows? My current obsession now is being a rapper. You laugh now but I will have you know, that I am laughing with you too...

I was watching some program on TV can't remember what it's called, something 254, and they were hosting Muthoni the Drummer Queen; and founder of Blankets and Wine. And in her closing remarks she said something like; as much as people always say you shouldn't give up on something, sometimes you have to know when to stop, let it go, re-strategize or just leave it altogether. My life kinda flashed before my eyes for a moment and I thought, wow, that makes so much sense. Sometimes we force issues on so many things, we insist on an idea, we persist and persist and persist until it's an unhealthy obsession... and we never have peace because of it. Not everything is worth your time and your energy, like drawing endlessly on your eyebrows to make the perfect arc girl, stop it. Use that time to assure yourself that you're pretty anyway.

Funny how we end up obsessing on such superficial and vain things like our appearance and attention from people we deem important or necessary in our life. We chase after people and things and it's all in a bid to satisfy a hunger that's never gonna be satisfied. This has been said over and over, but trust me when I say God loves you anyway lol like it doesn't have to make sense but it's true. You don't even have to believe in Him or not but He does and because of that you should cut yourself some slack. I know we don't live with God, we live with humans whom we feel we need to impress and suck up to to get by in life. But you also live with yourself. And is it worth beating yourself up for something that's gonna give you a feel-good feeling for a couple of days or even minutes and then you're back on that journey again??

Next time you wanna embark on something, or you're obsessing over getting something or someone ask yourself, is this really really worth it? Is this achievement going to make me happy and proud for a day or two or is it something I'll have to keep doing? Is it worth losing sleep over? Is it worth this much effort and dedication and diligence? You're the only one who knows the answer to all that, it's your sweat honey.

Just know

The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.