I CAN'T ✌

Smooth talker

Sweet tongue

Every single way

You know what I mean.

Bewitching words

Remembering everything

Listening intently

Breaking down walls.

Probing of thoughts

Attacking of hearts.

Mind.

Blowing.

Conversations.

2 AM mind-nutting.

Upfront and personal.

God. Damn. Perfect.

Preparing your mind to use your body.

Hooked to toxic honesty

Addicted to all the intensity.

Hurting and staying

Convinced of the necessary pain.

Doing you wrong anyway

At least your aware right?

You are one step ahead?

You have protected yourself right?

But you’re still tethered.

Letting you in

Only enough to keep you around.

Oh but it’s worth it;

You can’t have everything.

Compromising

Double standards

Choosing a struggle.

Deciding to look away.

Degrading of values

To remain valued.

Ney.

Desired. Not valued.

Repeating the cycle.

Same New Person.

Same New Wolf

In Intelligent Sheep Clothing.

So. It’s October, the end of it. I am a year older and probably a year dumber. There has not been a lot of development in the wisdom department. Just a lot of new discoveries about my ever-changing personality and repeating some old mistakes coz of course it wouldn’t be Skate without doing something stupid. Well I’m not knocked up, although I’m starting to consider that direction it seems like a big enough ploy to finally ditch school and put a pause on life. But I’m too broke for that. And the only other option is getting hit by a truck on the Mombasa Road highway but I don’t know if I can handle being paralyzed so that thought is on break for now. So while I’ve been thinking up ways of ruining my education, I remembered some interesting conversation I had with some guys I know.

So we were discussing sugar daddies and how if it were not for my so-called “morals” I would be swimming in money right now, and it dawned on us that our generation isn’t necessarily any different from the past generations. We are just more shameless. We do pretty much what everyone else before us did I mean, homosexuals really? Bible-old story ain’t nothing new. Kwanza it’s OLD testament befoooore Moses I mean c’mon before commandments lmao Drugs blah blah most of us weren’t even teenagers when Pablo Escobar was the plug, when the real coke was doing rounds yet here we are showing the world how “untamed” we are. Same way with sponsors, same thing. We are just more outspoken about it making memes and songs like it’s no big deal. But it is. As a result of this, I have noticed. Men have become more shameless about their carnal ways and because they are so used to loose morals they are sometimes perturbed by sanity. My close friend had told me of some guy, whom I’ve met btw, some mbaba who hits on her. And one day he insulted her for rejecting him. Ati “Who do you think you are? Do you think your pussy is made of gold ndo unaringa nayo hivo” *insert shocked emoji here* Yes, world, this is what it has come to. Gold-plated punanis 😂😂 but seriously, tumefika hapa surely? Where saying no to a man who might even be your father’s drinking buddy is considered rude. A few months ago, I was working somewhere in Mombasa and staying over at my auntie’s place and my boss was hitting on me. And he’d always want to take me and my auntie for drinks, he even bought a new car while I was around and would slyly try to ingisha me box by giving me a lift to the office 😒 He even asked my auntie out rightly if he can ask me out. Because “Ye ni size yangu, vile mi hupenda” 🙆 I kid you not this man is on my mother’s phone book azn ni rafiki ya mama yangu. In what world did he think that was going to work? His last born is 24. I even thought he might have been doing all this to sell his son and get him a Kamba wife 😄 The fact that he was so comfortable doing all this is what is worrying me. In his right mind it was all good and it wouldn’t hurt to try and that kind of “right mind” is what scares me because damn! Have we completely gotten rid of all morality mpaka anything and everything is okay?

There has to be bad in the world so that the good can be you know, good. But if the bad isn’t even considered bad anymore, society will have to create another bad and soon we’ll be advocating for rights to marry dogs coz they’re faithful and what not, I don’t know any more!😩 *so frustrated*. So back to these guys I was chilling with. They were telling me how nowadays; guys don’t expect a chic to be easy. Being hard to get doesn’t even faze them at all, in fact, it’s all part of their plan. I say no for a while and it doesn’t even hurt coz whatever ni kawaida. They’re not interested in sex for the first weeks or even months coz they know it’s too soon. So they’re probably gerrin it somewhere else while they’re vibing me and I’m thinking “this nigga so calm about shit he’s not all sexual this is so refreshing” lmao 😂. Then because, naturally, knowing how rare it is to find a guy that isn’t even making advances in the beginning we are inclined to bend the rules a bit to reward this good behavior because you know what, he deserves it right? One day y’all are just chilling nothing crazy but because he’s such a “good” man you make that first move. We, as women, are even so proud that it’s us who started it and we’re busy telling our besties “Can you believe I’m even the one who started it? He’s not even thirsty or whatever there was no pressure if anything I think I’m the one that was pressuring him.” Some guys, as I was being chapiwad, extend this charade even further by putting up a fight. Ati they’re so disinterested in sex mpaka ata they stop it. This, as clever men know, is the fuel to the fire a woman will RAIN on you. You pretend you don’t want it you wait and see, I’m getting my hair done intoxicating perfume 👙💄 I’m getting waxed new lingerie, I’m doing squats I’m working out learning to split on that god knows what 😉 I’m getting handcuffs nigga you are going to love what you didn’t even know existed… remember this is ALL part of the plan.

So once a girl finally decides to let this guy in, literally, the guys pulls out haha okay I'm done 😂😂 But for real, I’m talking physically, he stops being available. All of a sudden he’s always working, he’s busy with school, his boyz, mara his family oh oh oh excuses. Emotionally, if you even had him, he stops communicating. Less texting, little or no phone calls, ata no emojis. You two were so close then now he’s ghost. Then as a chic it hits you that this nigga wasn’t even your boyfriend 😕 So you don't even have the right to act up coz this phantom connection was all in your head it was aaall you. But si you didn’t care about labels coz y’all were aiiit, he was doing everything he was supposed to no need to complicate with DTR (Define The Relationship

I mean, I met his friends… or did I? I know where he lives… Okay I know stuff about him like his workplace, his fam okay what he likes… then the sudden realization that you got played a GOOD one is frankly, I believe, the number one reason why women are crazy. This guy got everything he wanted, even got you to initiate everything, and he managed to leave like that without even the agony of a break up. Someone please explain to me why I should not track that man down stab him forty something times and sew him up again or just skin him alive and fry his balls and feed it to him all medium rare and shit coz 😶😶 That was my face when these friends of mine were explaining how this shit goes down so smoothly and they move onto the next target & I was so impressed and pissed off at the same time like… Maybe the only way this can backfire is by the guy actually falling for this mami but as I recall, this only happens in movies and even in movies they abandoned this idea because it was too unrealistic.

Point of this whole story btw was me venting about how in this day and age we don’t even know who’s real or not. Either people are so shameless about their bad habits or they are so willing to masquerade their true intentions that they will go out of their way to get what they want without “getting into too much trouble.” It’s such a confusing world now coz there is so much fakeness going on and it’s so skillful you have no idea; but still you don’t know if you want the realness as well coz it’s actually insulting and is too much. The struggle to pick a struggle is so overwhelming I honestly just get so tired of thinking about it I think I lose weight SMH. I just felt like I should share my frustration out here because maybe someone out there has discovered the secret to adulting coz I just… CAN'T. ***THE END***

Let's Talk. Period.

Sorry no poem today. No subtle preparation for what I'm about to write about I'm just coming at it straight- periods. Oh yes. The menses. The curse passed on to all women from our universal mother Eve for her unfathomable interest in an apple (we shall NEVER stop blaming her- low key tho). The ONLY time periods attempt to be a good thing is when you've had a pregnancy scare, then it's a sigh of relief; for a few hours. But today I want to talk about PMS. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. First and foremost I would like to complicate women even farther for all the guys reading this. All women experience their periods differently. Some crump, others don't. And even worse; every individual period is different. Each month, each crump is different. So this notion of, "you've been rolling since 13 but you still don't know how to control it..." You've been having boners since 13 and you still don't know how to control it lol yes I went there.

Okay I'll pretend to take my chill pill now.

I want to go through the main stages of PMS. For all the guys out there, this post is actually for you. For your girlfriend, all your hoes, your mum if she's not at menopause (if she is then it's PMS at its peak) for your sister oh Lord esp your sister you know she'll kill you lmao

So every female is different like I said but we have the general PMS symptoms that just cuts across all borders. This is in no particular order, mother nature just likes to be spontaneous with her hormone release.


1) The I-want-to-eat-everything phase.
This is self-explanatory. Don't judge me, don't ask questions, don't make fun of me. I want chocolate, I want ice-cream, ile place ya nyam-chom nipatie mbuzi nusu ivi.... I suddenly have a craving for this random place I had fries in 2013 and those are the exact fries I want right now and it's perfectly understandable. My appetite is at full-blown stage yet I'm still picky about food I want specific things then I want everything... I just want to eat do you get?? 
If you want to get on my good side get me food & don't let me know that you noticed I'm eating a lot coz that's indirectly calling me fat. Just buy me the large pizza (we're not sharing) and play PS and don't make a big deal out of it.


2) The I'll-straight-up-murder-you phase.
Any and every small thing is irritating. The weather is annoying, what's up with traffic, Safaricom's network today I SWEAR nahama Airtel why am I taking 0.00000539 seconds to load this snap???? The way this mami's fake weave is bouncing when she talks, the excess steam from the shower excuse me this is a fake attempt at being a sauna. The way you breathe mbona chest yako inaheave ivo are you scared you'll be caught what are you hiding?? Normally I would let things slide but today you reply a minute later than usual I block you and delete your number and your photos.... The only difference between this angry phase and every other day is that this time I have no patience, my anger is justified and there are NO brakes. I will send that long text about how much you're full of shit, I will curse at everyone, the verbal diarrhoea cannot be contained. SAVAGERY at its best. This is the time you tell your mum you have a headache anakuambia ungekuwa unafanya something constructive with your life you'd be having real problems 😮
Only remedy is to not engage. If you think I'm being dramatic don't tell me, this may land you in a coma.

3) The crying phase.
Oh my God. This one ata tsk,,, everything all of a sudden is sad. For some reason I'm watching The Fault in our Stars again for the millionth time and I just don't understand why people die why people suffer why do we have to go through pain... Any comment is taken personally. You make fun of my round face and sijui how my big eyes make me look like a doll, it's not playful anymore its a "Why does he say such hurtful things? He is so insensitive" then I cry myself to sleep, listen to sad songs, remember how this guy in class 4 used to buy me lunch and how sweet he was where is he now with another girl having the time of his life 😭😭
This I like to call the creative phase, it's when we write poems and songs lol just don't tell me I'm emotional I already know that. Just go with it even if you think me being upset at Jay Z cheating on Beyonce is complete nonsense.


4) The needy phase.
Gosh. This is the most depressing one. Its like a mixture of 2 and 3 but in a pathetic way. I want attention. A lot of it. I will go crazy or cry or both if you dont show me how important I am to you. I want you to hold me but not touch me why is everything so physical with you? I want you to kiss me but not sana just kidogo coz I dont want to have sex right now. Tell me you love me, how beautiful I am, how I'm the only one for you. I want us to cuddle. I want you to get me food straight to this bed coz I don't want to move. I want you to give me a massage, why are you going to work? School is not everything, I'm your everything you never listen to me! Take a day off & text me all day or call me and tell me how your day was. Why was it uneventful I know I said don't go to work but still???
Guys we know we're very irrational ata sisi hatujui kwa nini. If you know your girl isn't normally clingy then just know it's a phase and she'll be minding her own business in no time.

5)The body-pains phase.
Do NOT. I repeat. Do NOT equate this (due to your lack of understanding) to a mere stomachache ati nikunywe panadol. No sir. This is war in my uterus. This is Sparta very close to my vagina where only good things should happen. Its almost like giving birth every month. Mini-birth. Sometimes its just stomach crumps. Sometimes my back is aching I can't sleep right because my whole body is tired. I have a headache sometimes I'll puke or worse, diarrhea. Yes. Its every bit as nasty as it sounds. Do not even get me started on boobs. They feel like mini buckets of milk being helped up by safety pins and if its cold oohmygod nikama maziwa ndani imeganda now it just feels like its been plastered by sand paper nipples are so sensitive ata ukifikiria kushikwa unaskia tu uchungu. Sometimes ata nywele inauma na fingertips all of a sudden I don't why don't ask me why. That's how messed up it is. Sometimes Bascopan plus will work, sometimes I need to get a shot from the hospital coz I look like death itself, sometimes I just need to take a nap. 

Like I said, every period is different. So just understand or keep quiet which is usually the same thing.


6) The I-Want-To-Be-Pounded phase.
This I think is the only phase that favours men lol At this point in time almost every man looks like he can score. Even if he's shooting blanks. Now you can touch me and tell me all the things you want to do to me. And then you can proceed to do them. If you have a man halali btw ebu fulfill your duties goddamit I know its 11 am and you're busy so what you want me to go get Dicknified somewhere else?? If you're single this is usally when body count inaongezwa. Unaacha maringo, unareply text, you call that nigga up like "Are you free tomorrow there's an opening in my vagina" lmao. 
Very Important: It's not that I'm desperate its just there is this VERY hollow feeling down below that NEEDS to filled. NOW. I don't care what you're doing. I really don't btw. And I want to be in control. What's that position you mentioned last year let's do it. I'm not playing boy I'm barking orders. Mara let's do it like this, mara lets go to the table, mara its round 4 why is your dick slacking what part of I'm horny don't you understand....

There is no remedy for this. Except for the D. Simple.


This is just but a summary of the gazillion emotions going through our system before we have our periods. And just because its "that time of the month" doesn't mean it only happens at end month watu wengine sijui waliskip science from class 5 SMH. Ladies it's important to know yourself. It's good to know why you are acting the way you do. The guys have a point btw all these years we must have gathered a thing or two from our cycles. Know what type of crazy you are. If you know you snap easily & you say the first thing that comes to your mind hio siku ata heri usitoke kwa room.Watch tu movies ama ufanye exercise for once & let off that extra energy that wants to pick a fight but don't kosana with people over temporary hormones for Eve's sake. Kama unajua you're sensitive don't get into arguments esp with guys who won't even know they're "hurting your feelings" & even your girlfriends esp if you have friends like me who will call you out on your bullshit utashinda tu umelia hapo nobody loves you nobody understands you na dunia inaendelea tu kuturn.....

Na aki this tabia of "I don't know when I'll roll zitacome tu zikijiskia" mashiro si wezi madam unajua zitakuja whatchu mean you don't know nkkkktt. Girrrlll you're not in class 7 anymore take control of that shit this is your body. If you're too lazy to count or it just confuses you, you can download a period app. Ziko kama a million app store. The ones that calculate for you when you'll have your p's based on your cycle, when your fertile days are etc. Trust me it helps; also to know when to go on a rampage esp during that horny phase usiende ukiokota mimba kila mahali ata hukumbuki ni nani lol

Our periods have been here since time immemorial let's stop pretending it doesn't happen and instead try to understand what happens around that time so that we all co-exist peacefully. I may or may not be going through PMS as I type this which is why I decided to just explain this shit to the world, watu waambiwe. You're probably going all "So that's why juzi she was so..." And you're very welcome for that. Not every crazy emotion however is PMS. But I do promise you, that until Jesus comes and probably after, we females WILL blame our periods for our nonsensical emotions but you as a man CANNOT. Just don't cross that line. Choose happiness. That's free advice and you're welcome again.

Btw I'm just so irritated at this keypad autocorrecting all my swahili words BLACK LIVES MATTER OKAY?!!!!!!!! 


I hope this has helped :)

Dear Past Kathleen:

Learning

To forgive myself.

Or to try.

And make peace.

With what will forever stay

And remain

In so many ways.

Learning

To accept the scars

And stop hiding them

To let them be

An embodiment

A remembrance

Of a lost battle.

Unlearning

To hate

That which I can't change

And whom I can't change

The questions I didn't ask

The patience I didn't have

The fear I shouldn't have had.

Learning

To live with my choices

And my regrets

Because its what I have left

Its what is now mine

And mine to keep.

Learning

To adore my weak heart

And my kind spirit

Controlled by my selfish mind.

Learning

To love myself

Every part of self

Even the ones gone from me

And the ones I can't get back.

Learning

To be in love

With my loneliness

And my obscurity

Unfathomable as it may be.

Learning

To smile when I can 

And laugh

And try

To be human again.

Unlearning

To be numb

To shut people out

To instead embrace emotions

And allow myself

Another chance at being crushed.

Learning

To take it all in

And weep it all out

And not be ashamed

To cry deeply

Of pain and wounded pride.

Learning

To be one

With my sadness.

Dear Past Kathleen:

You are ten now and you feel lonely. Your close friend is dating him, the guy you love, who just treats you like a friend. But this isn't love, you are still young. 
Don't cry, the problems have not yet begun.


You are thirteen now. About to sit your final paper and you're concerned about him. This one feels real oh but the pain of unrequited love. You have sung along to love songs, and since your best friend made you aware of your music talent, you are now making them. With tears in your eyes. This still, is not love. You are going for therapy, at this tender age. Mum is a psychologist she thinks it's helpful but it's just making you realize how depraved you are of "fatherly love". Mr. Kip assures you that it can be solved and not to burn the bridge just yet; but there was never one in the first place. You say you closed that door; he wonders why and you can't explain.
You will never stop feeling this way.



You are fifteen now. In a "prestigious" school where everyone is fake and you are completely misunderstood. You walk alone around the field on Saturdays to think. And on Sunday afternoons you sit on a rock under that tree facing the wall, write in your journal and sing painfully against the noise of the passing cars. Then you take out your blade and with careful precision inscribe on yourself the emotion you are feeling today, each week, it’s a new kind of despair. You watch your body bleed as a reflection of your soul and weep silently. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. Everyone thinks you are weird and unashamed. Only they don't encourage you to own it. You think about dying, how peaceful it would be if you could just end it. You ask yourself if anyone will ever notice, if anyone will ever stare long enough to see the death in your big expressionless eyes. If anyone will ever love you. 
Baby girl, this is not your worst, this is just rehearsal.


Seventeen. You have a boyfriend now. You are in love. True love. He comes all the way to see you, he even met mum. Mum likes him too. One rainy day, he proposed behind your house and asked you to be his future wife. Of course you said yes. Finally someone loves you. His intentions are genuine; you can see it in how he looks at you and holds you in his arms. He writes you letters in school & gets his whole class to 'poxie' on your birthday, and includes the basketball team gosh it’s been a long time coming right? And how he insists on one last kiss at the door before you leave and at the stage until the 'makanga' gets angry. He makes you happy. You are happy.
This is your first love. Last man to love you ever so purely. Remember that for love sake.


You are now eighteen. In a new school, about to finish your final paper. You become a lesbian because men don't make sense anymore. You broke up with him after two years, he was becoming boring. And you need excitement. Besides…. you've always been interested in girls why suppress it now? You have a girlfriend. You even fell in love. It's real. It's not like they say about homosexuals, the feelings are real and even stronger because she understands, not like a man. She listens to you; she's beautiful, she's smart, if you could you'd marry her and have a life together. And in bed she knows what to do and her touch is so soft. You'd pick her any day. 
This doesn't last. I wish you knew that.


Nineteen now. Out of school. Taking on this new life. You lost your virginity, to your ex's best friend. And you don't feel guilty for sleeping with your best friend's man. You fall for everyone now, you are trying everything. The guy you thought was yours just got another girl knocked up, fuck love. Fuck men. You are going to beat them at their game, no feelings now. Only man that loved you was the man you left for a woman, you can't get him back now. But people love you at parties because you're a good dancer. So you go, and drink and smoke, and if someone is lucky he gets to fuck you on the rooftop. Then you meet HIM. The one that makes you alive. He makes you laugh and he knows what he's doing but you don't stop him. He's the one you're not supposed to fall in love with. 
You're living for the moment. This is your reckless phase.


Twenty and pregnant. That's your first thought as you stare at that test. You're failing in school. The father probably already lost your number along with his phone at another party. You're broke. Mum will kill you, dad will bury you. There's no other choice. And this is your choice, not his. It makes you feel like you're in charge of things. You're not letting a man influence your decision; you're not like other girls. You take what's remaining of your heart and throw it away like the baby in those sanitary towels. You've watched ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ and ‘Hannibal’; you know how it’s done. You've seen how their cold hearts live with it, you'll live too. 
This marks a new beginning for you, an awakening, and a big change in how you view things. You just don't know it yet.



Finally twenty-one. Legal in all states of the world. Life is dark for you. You feel ten times older and ten times distant. You think back to that tree in form one and it saddens you that you're still that same girl. But you messed up real big this time; you don't think you can handle this. You went to see him, to talk, but you couldn't. He leaves you speechless. He drains you of your senses and you can't say no. You love him. This is the dangerous love. It makes no sense. He just told you that he wanted to keep it, now, after six months of dealing with this shit alone. You have a mental breakdown. You weep for hours and hours and the pain you've bottled up for months comes pouring. This is what rock bottom feels like.

I cannot promise you that it gets better, because from my end of the pen life is made of shit and only shit. I don't know if you will ever find love or if you will ever be absolved of your sins. But you will laugh eventually. You'll understand yourself and then have more confusion thrown at you. It is what you will discover is the cycle of life. And it goes on. And you just go with it.

Dear past Kathleen, you are stronger than you think. You feel alone in a world full of seven billion people. You despise what you have become. You think you have done it all, but girl you don't even know. You are beautiful. And you are yourself, something you can always be proud of. You have made mistakes; unforgettable mistakes. You need to forgive yourself. Forgive others. Forgive everyone. Grieve if you must but smile in the end. Acknowledge your humanity and your lack of it all the same. Accept your new reality and unlearn your old habits. Re-group with your mind, soul and body and realize that you, and only you, are in charge of your happiness.




Sincerely,

Present Kathleen.

OPENING OLD WOUNDS

This piece is by a guest writer... just trying out lol.. but enjoy it. :)

They call me observant . that’s not particularly true. People are so damn easy to read we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one seems to notice though. They’re all busy drinking their own coffee.

She was doing just fine…happy go lucky girl.

It was all over for her and she did it for herself, chose to move on to greater and better things or rather people.

In fact she created a box just for him...put all the memories and feelings that concerned him;

She closed it and promised herself never to open that box again, for her own sake….to be able to let him go without a lot of melodrama and not look like that desperate girl who can’t get oveatelo man.

To be able to guard her heart from the pain that was almost penetrating through her heart. After that she was okay, she could afford a smile and flirt with kina everyone. She could open up her heart again for that butterfly feeling experience everyone talks about.

She forgot all about the man who couldn’t be hers, that guy who led her on only to crush her at the end, so she had to convince herself it was all in her head to be able to get through life. She was still broken but she was doing just fine. She thought.

6 months later…

She had forgotten about this man who made her world go round…tried to move on to better Kenyan men hehe…and decided to be happy and you know what fuck it…love doesn’t come every day so she was almost in love.

Yaani he waited for her to be emotionally stable. Waited for 6 whole months of silence to text and say “Hey you”… who does that? Really… “Hey you”. After 6 months that’s all you say “Hey you” as if we were best of friends.

There goes her box…opened up wide and every feeling comes rushing, the wound became fresh again. She looked at her phone and couldn’t sum up the courage to reply… she just looked…tempted to reply but with her big ego and excitement she just looked away.

These Jatelo men will be the end of us!

Excerpt From The Diary Of A Nymphomaniac

Feeling and denying

How she's used to living

She can't afford to get caught

Up in the real shit

She's short of time

To recover

And the strength

To pick herself up.

And the faith

In humanity again.

She's saving it all up

For the right one

If he comes.

If he exists

Convinced that she'll know when the time comes.

Because trust is a luxury

And she's not pretty enough

Or smart enough

To own such pleasures.

So she gets up each morning

And cries herself to pretence

To last through the day

With smiles and laughs.

And goes back to bed

Alone

And writes imaginary letters

To past hims in her life

The one that's haunting her today.

And lastly

To the him that got away

The him that didn't make it alive

The one she gave up for him

The one she didn't fight for

The one he never fought for either

The one she lost

For fear of being alone.

And she promises to get it together this time

And not fall for their lies

About being there.

Because she's been alone despite all this.

And forces herself to sleep

And face the nightmares anew as her subconscious torments

With dreams of happiness and peace

Peace from within.

As she awaits to do this all over again.

Till it ends.

If it'll end.

To whomever it may concern,

My love. You have no idea how much I feel for you. I choose the word feel because it's so many emotions channeled towards you. So much intensity my being can't handle whatever it is that you do to me. You consume me. You fill me in so many ways baby you take over me. When your name crosses my mind, I feel these chills in my left hand down to my leg up my backbone to my chest in my heart and down in my loins so deep in that part that only you gets to baby if only you knew how weak my mind gets fighting against you; fighting you; a war it has to win because its fighting alone. My heart already chose you and it gives no reason. My body chose you and it reminds me time and again why you win. My soul longs for you and your presence and your energy around me when I think of you I desire so much that sometimes only you could fulfill. You may not be that powerful, but with me, you instantly become that god. My mind knows it's an illusion and there's nothing much to it but my heart and body are already at the soles of your feet honey, they worship you. And they take out every minute from my memory, every second that we have ever shared and relive it bit by bit until I feel what I'd felt before over and over like waves until I get weak in my knees and my chest is heaving and my breathe gets caught in my throat and my eyes close and my womanhood is deep and ready for you and my whole essence is crying for your attention. Baby I want you. In ways I don't understand and ways I didn't think I would ever want anything. Ways I doubt any mortal man would satisfy. Darling I am in love with the idea of you. Its that simple fact that makes you the most important man to have ever crossed my path and I doubt there will be another. What you have done to me, without your knowledge, has single-handedly made you the man I will always choose. The man who is the marking scheme I will use to grade every other man that walks in after you. The man who has set the bar and the definition of the boxes I will forever use to check against every other man that attempts to replace you. Baby you are unfortunately; or fortunately, the father of my dead unborn child and the love I will never have and the reason for the ache and void in my heart that only you can fill if only you knew how to. I have no more words for you my love; my mind is as blank as my defense for why I will Always Pick You.

BRING BACK THE FEELS

Loving you enough for

your affection not to mean a thing.

Making use of these moments till

You’re completely gone from me;

Going through the motions.

Living with this notion

That it’s either now or never.

Staring and holding gazes

And etching deep into memory

To have an emotion to feed on

when I lay depraved of your presence.

Lost in your touch and

Confused by your comforting ambiance.

Addicted to the sound of your voice

Tingling feeling of your hair in my hands

Stomach turning at the scent of your tongue

Heart running at the taste of your breathe

Falling deep into this

Getting ready to lose all of it.

Midnight chills.

Chipped nails and coffee mugs.

Reminiscing the hand holding

And intertwined legs

212 lingering in memory.

Hoodies and sweatpants

Watching movies in mute

My head full of you.

All of you.

Unreplied messages and missed calls

Ignored thoughts finding release

Reaching for emotions

I can no longer feel.

So my mind-block sorta lifted. And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about shit, life, love, basically been all up in the feels manze. My friend and I were discussing someday about how nowadays we’re so used to being so detached from our emotions when something good comes along we don’t know how to go about it. Lemme do a re-cap.

Kitambo mamis could apparently “never have sex without catching feelings” because I guess that was the era when they still believed in love and all that. Then our generation happened and we out here gerrin it from randoms and going straight to class stressed about where we’re getting money for that really nice pair of shoes we saw in some shop. Obviously it wasn’t always like that. Some day when we were young and gullible we loved some man. So damn much he was our world. Then he fucked shit up and it hurt like a bitch. And that’s not even when the problem started. It’s when we tried to move on. That’s when stuff went from 0 to 100 real quick. We still believed in love, we were angry but we still wanted to try only we promised to be more cautious this time. Then we pitiad though a bunch of guys who lied they were different and would be there for us and took advantage of us and frankly it took a couple of time-wasters for us to conclude “Hey! These niggas are all the same.” So we decide “Oh well. I already gave it up I can’t take it back. Imma just play their game too seems like that’s the only way to survive.” So we here in 2k16. I only halla at a nigga when I need a fix. And try as much as possible not to add a number and just remix that D till he gets a girlfriend or five haha then onto the next one…not that I'm speaking from experience posting for a friend lol

Basically what I’m tryna say is we’re not whores. We can just disconnect physical and emotional. It’s a pretty decent skill once you get the hang of it. I don’t need to like you I don’t even need to know your second name and because niggas hate the whole feelings talk you are completely assured that you guys are never getting there so you’re practically on the same line wacha ata page. Now the problem with all this perfect arrangement is when you lose yourself in all this “no feelings” vibe. It’s so hard to notice when someone actually cares for real because you lost faith a long time ago. And when the person that you actually end up liking comes along you try your best not to get close because then you’re kwinished. And you deny yourself the beautiful butterflies-in-stomach feeling because it means you caught feelings and that means you’re about to get hurt. Then comes the mistrust and the notion that they’re just waiting it out and he’s no different he’s just more patient. You become so skeptical of everyone’s intentions however good they actually are it always feels like a trap. 

We have become a society full of people who forgot how to love and how to feel. Who hurt us? Haha I mean. We’re so focused on not falling. Then when the “right” person comes along and we want to trust again- because eventually you do get tired of fixes and the emptiness- you have no idea how to start and you have no clue how to break those walls you put so high guarding your heart and what not. I write about this with so much emotion because I, along with a bunch of my friends are in this same predicament. We sit day to day convincing ourselves that that guy is actually worth it and “Skate you should give it a thought he seems legit” and I’m just there like “Yeah I get it. But how though? Azn how does that even work?” 

I know so many understand what I’m saying. We forgot the basics; the whole boy meets girl process that was so goddamn simple and straight-forward. Now we’re so paranoid a simple hi has to be dissected and decoded because even a blue tick could mean like ten million things. Is he asleep? Is he mad at me? Goes back to check convo, no it’s not me. Is he with his boys? Is he with another bitch? Is he pulling fuckboy moves? Is he dead? Take a screenshot of the scenario and sends to girlfriends and rants and raves and we agree that we’re giving him only 12 hours to reply or we’re deleting his number….

When did shit become so complicated? Honestly I feel like dating in 21st century should’ve come with a manual like some guy from the future should’ve come to us in class six and told us that in ten years or so we should make sure we’re already married because if not even getting someone to take to the movies will be harder than getting a PhD in anthropology. SMH. What I’m thinking is; I think we should change our attitude and not be so suspicious of everyone and everything. I know it feels so naïve but if you think about it, being so careful with your heart hasn’t really gotten you anywhere you still bored AF. Remember in high school when even a mail could make your week and it was the simple things that got us excited and we’d fall for each other so hard and so fast and the thrill of holding hands and a stolen kiss here and there was enough for fantoin in class for a whole term. Times have changed and so have we but it doesn’t mean we can’t still fight for real moments and real emotions and stop running so far away from the very things that make life memorable and worth living. Think about it and give that pretty lady a call and remind her that she’s beautiful and you’d love to see her again. Ladies don’t be so quick to dismiss him these niggas don’t know how to love anymore but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. Say yes to feelings and live life again :)

 

NOT TODAY

Deep. Intense.
That’s how his kiss felt.
Comfortable tension
In how my name he’d mention.
It wasn’t the first time
His lips had met mine;
But it was the way he made me feel like it would be the last.
Oblivious of his real intentions
But strangely aware of his expectations.
We didn’t just stumble upon this moment
Even though it had been ten years.
This was still a result of a guided calculation.
A well planned schedule.
A coincidence of wants and desires; and lust.
Perfection. Articulation.
This wasn’t a hungry chap at a food festival
Or a child at a friend’s party.
This was a man who knew how to feed
And still leave you in want.
This was a man who thought only of himself
And still managed to make you care too.
He was a slave master you thought rewarded you
He was a king you would dream to please
He was a small god; or a small devil.
Letting you be happy to do his will.
He was beautiful, especially in his speech.
Manipulating, where you would do his bid
A leader, how he would let himself in.
Convincing, in why he would never commit
Deceiver, seeing as how I’m lying here
Thinking about his mysterious ways.
As he thinks of another to leave in this state.

First of all it has been awhile since I had anything to write. Not that this will be a huuuggee piece I just thought I’d break the silence. Secondly, happy new year :)

So last Monday I had to give a speech as part of my assignment. A tribute speech. Frankly I was super blank even on that Monday morning. We were to acknowledge our role models and people who have really impacted our lives- for the better I presumed. Because if I was to give a speech based on impact a lot of fuckboys would’ve been on that list lol so obviously, I chose to speak about my mother. Obviously in my case because I realized I don’t have a role model. I don’t aspire to be like anyone. I mean there are goals here and there and a lot of people’s lives I’d want but there’s no “ultimate” role model. My mother was the closest I could get. Others in class, especially ladies, gave speeches on their mothers as well. How they’re the best, they are women of worth, and how they would do anything for them and vice versa. One even started “I’m not just giving a speech on my mum because there was no one else to talk about…” and I’m just seated there like “Weh! Call me out why don't you.”

When it was my turn to speak I got up and simply stated “I know your mums are extraordinary and they’re the best but I’ll give a tribute to my mum because she’s so weird and is the most ordinary human being I know.” And everyone looked at me with such judgemental eyes. But I know if my mum was there she would’ve enjoyed that speech. So this is like the story of my life lol. Basically my mum is weird and don’t get me wrong I respect that woman she’s on some other level I think I’ll reach only when I’m above forty. I like to believe she’s fikad that self-actualization point in her life where she doesn’t care anymore, she doesn’t keep up appearances, she’s TOO REAL and she just does her. And it seems as though it’s the most ordinary thing to do until you stumble upon generation waste-his-time-2k16 and realize how rare that is. My mother has broken down in the most eccentric of ways and it just blows my mind till today. 

I remember a time in class five when we used to live in Ngumo in some estate I won’t reveal because my old neighbours may remember me lol. One Sunday she took an umbrella and a paper bag and announced her departure to Kenyatta Market to buy groceries. She didn’t show up that night. We called her phone only to hear it ringing in her room. We called all our relatives and friends and no one had any idea where she was. Naturally, we were worried. My small brother who was then a jumpy one-year-old cried all night and I’m not even joking. It was so hard to sleep. That night I had dreams of her being kidnapped and yoh my imagination just took off. On Monday I went to school and came back home expectant only to find my sad brother still crying. Those two have some weird bond ((lastborns SMH)). I remember I didn’t even go outside to play that day as was the routine right after fun factory till around 6:30. By Tuesday the police were involved, this was a missing persons’ case. No one in my estate knew, no one in my school knew because we literally could not explain what had happened. Then we get home on Wednesday afternoon with my other brother and we walk in to find my mum seated laughing with one of my auntie’s, paper bags full of shopping around everywhere. My brother ran to hug her and everyone was so freaking overjoyed. I just stared, climbed up the stairs to my room to put my bag down but really it was just to process how this woman thought her disappearing act was funny. I said hi eventually but I don’t remember asking her where she had been. I think I knew deep down I was not ready to understand that. 

She later revealed to me last year that she’d gone to some random hotel, still around Ngumo and just wanted to be alone for a couple of days to sleep.

Okay.

In class eight one Sunday morning, ((why Sunday though, now that I think about it)) my dad, siblings, housie and I went to church and left my mum sleeping. At this point I was old enough to know not to ask grown-ups certain questions like “Why are we going and she’s not going?” because the answer would always be a long lecture I used to summarize into “Do as I say and not as I do.” So we come home for lunch, we ring the doorbell and no one answers. We call, the phone it’s mteja. We didn’t panic this time considering what she’d put us through three years earlier so we just went to a nearby hotel and bought lunch and soda. We tried calling from time to time and leaving messages but it was no use. We drove back to the estate and waited in the car till 9:00 pm only to realize this woman had locked us out and had no plans of opening that door. Also because the lights were on in the house and we could see someone moving around. We had to sleep at a hotel that night. It was a very confusing night. We woke up the next morning, went back home and rang the bell. She opened up, dressed ready for work, left the keys in my hands and left. (Why me mother?). I missed school that day and I didn’t read the bullshit letter my mum wrote to the class teacher the following day to explain why. Also because she had stapled it.

Growing up with such a dramatic mother who eventually toned down (and passed it on to me) made me think a lot. I think of all the bad decisions I’ve made in life, all the stupid nonsensical ones that I have no reason for. Some mistakes that we make over and over and over again in different versions of one person. ((My friend was busy convincing me that I have a “type” but that’s a story for another day.)) 

And I was thinking of how we often react to situations especially the ones we’ve put ourselves in. You knew what you needed to do but you just did your own things anyway. We either beat ourselves up for it or we choose to blame the thing or person that influenced our decision. One of the paradoxes of life is the fact that we are free to choose but we are not free of the consequences of our choices. The whole concept of free will. I digress. But like in Jessie J’s song where she says it’s okay not to be okay, life is exactly that sometimes.

Nobody likes to fail and mess up although bad decisions make for good stories. And some people seem to make a lot more mistakes than is allowed, I think I’m one of them. But what I’ve learnt is to be true to myself more than anybody else. It’s okay to break down. It WILL affect people and all but sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you and your life because the alternative is worse. I was too young then to understand why my mum acted the way she did but now I do. Especially more as a grown up and a woman. That was like her version of throwing boiling porridge at her children or cutting off her husband’s manhood. (Soon as I typed that I realized I was talking about my father but I’ll just leave this here and hope we all focus on the forest and not the trees). 

 

I grew up knowing it’s seriously okay to be weird. It might not gain you friends or popularity but it will give you some sort of peace at least. And you can be a better version of yourself for a moment before you conform to society. Sometimes you just need to sleep or think about your life away from everybody else even if it means withdrawing and doing some serious introspection. A lot of times we have to sijui be the bigger person blah blah and it’s of course advisable to think before you leap. But letting it out there is important too. Go out have a smoke and think about how much shit you got yourself into then buy food and take a nap; and think about it tomorrow. Not everything has to be solved today. Not every mistake has to be dissected and evaluated so that we don’t make it again or else we didn’t learn anything at all. Not everyday life is going to go according to plan. Learning to live with the mistakes you made is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself because peace of mind is much more fulfilling.

Also that poem is un-related to the topic of discussion but I just thought it needed recognition :)