Excerpt From The Diary Of A Nymphomaniac

Feeling and denying

How she's used to living

She can't afford to get caught

Up in the real shit

She's short of time

To recover

And the strength

To pick herself up.

And the faith

In humanity again.

She's saving it all up

For the right one

If he comes.

If he exists

Convinced that she'll know when the time comes.

Because trust is a luxury

And she's not pretty enough

Or smart enough

To own such pleasures.

So she gets up each morning

And cries herself to pretence

To last through the day

With smiles and laughs.

And goes back to bed

Alone

And writes imaginary letters

To past hims in her life

The one that's haunting her today.

And lastly

To the him that got away

The him that didn't make it alive

The one she gave up for him

The one she didn't fight for

The one he never fought for either

The one she lost

For fear of being alone.

And she promises to get it together this time

And not fall for their lies

About being there.

Because she's been alone despite all this.

And forces herself to sleep

And face the nightmares anew as her subconscious torments

With dreams of happiness and peace

Peace from within.

As she awaits to do this all over again.

Till it ends.

If it'll end.

To whomever it may concern,

My love. You have no idea how much I feel for you. I choose the word feel because it's so many emotions channeled towards you. So much intensity my being can't handle whatever it is that you do to me. You consume me. You fill me in so many ways baby you take over me. When your name crosses my mind, I feel these chills in my left hand down to my leg up my backbone to my chest in my heart and down in my loins so deep in that part that only you gets to baby if only you knew how weak my mind gets fighting against you; fighting you; a war it has to win because its fighting alone. My heart already chose you and it gives no reason. My body chose you and it reminds me time and again why you win. My soul longs for you and your presence and your energy around me when I think of you I desire so much that sometimes only you could fulfill. You may not be that powerful, but with me, you instantly become that god. My mind knows it's an illusion and there's nothing much to it but my heart and body are already at the soles of your feet honey, they worship you. And they take out every minute from my memory, every second that we have ever shared and relive it bit by bit until I feel what I'd felt before over and over like waves until I get weak in my knees and my chest is heaving and my breathe gets caught in my throat and my eyes close and my womanhood is deep and ready for you and my whole essence is crying for your attention. Baby I want you. In ways I don't understand and ways I didn't think I would ever want anything. Ways I doubt any mortal man would satisfy. Darling I am in love with the idea of you. Its that simple fact that makes you the most important man to have ever crossed my path and I doubt there will be another. What you have done to me, without your knowledge, has single-handedly made you the man I will always choose. The man who is the marking scheme I will use to grade every other man that walks in after you. The man who has set the bar and the definition of the boxes I will forever use to check against every other man that attempts to replace you. Baby you are unfortunately; or fortunately, the father of my dead unborn child and the love I will never have and the reason for the ache and void in my heart that only you can fill if only you knew how to. I have no more words for you my love; my mind is as blank as my defense for why I will Always Pick You.