BRING BACK THE FEELS

Loving you enough for

your affection not to mean a thing.

Making use of these moments till

You’re completely gone from me;

Going through the motions.

Living with this notion

That it’s either now or never.

Staring and holding gazes

And etching deep into memory

To have an emotion to feed on

when I lay depraved of your presence.

Lost in your touch and

Confused by your comforting ambiance.

Addicted to the sound of your voice

Tingling feeling of your hair in my hands

Stomach turning at the scent of your tongue

Heart running at the taste of your breathe

Falling deep into this

Getting ready to lose all of it.

Midnight chills.

Chipped nails and coffee mugs.

Reminiscing the hand holding

And intertwined legs

212 lingering in memory.

Hoodies and sweatpants

Watching movies in mute

My head full of you.

All of you.

Unreplied messages and missed calls

Ignored thoughts finding release

Reaching for emotions

I can no longer feel.

So my mind-block sorta lifted. And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about shit, life, love, basically been all up in the feels manze. My friend and I were discussing someday about how nowadays we’re so used to being so detached from our emotions when something good comes along we don’t know how to go about it. Lemme do a re-cap.

Kitambo mamis could apparently “never have sex without catching feelings” because I guess that was the era when they still believed in love and all that. Then our generation happened and we out here gerrin it from randoms and going straight to class stressed about where we’re getting money for that really nice pair of shoes we saw in some shop. Obviously it wasn’t always like that. Some day when we were young and gullible we loved some man. So damn much he was our world. Then he fucked shit up and it hurt like a bitch. And that’s not even when the problem started. It’s when we tried to move on. That’s when stuff went from 0 to 100 real quick. We still believed in love, we were angry but we still wanted to try only we promised to be more cautious this time. Then we pitiad though a bunch of guys who lied they were different and would be there for us and took advantage of us and frankly it took a couple of time-wasters for us to conclude “Hey! These niggas are all the same.” So we decide “Oh well. I already gave it up I can’t take it back. Imma just play their game too seems like that’s the only way to survive.” So we here in 2k16. I only halla at a nigga when I need a fix. And try as much as possible not to add a number and just remix that D till he gets a girlfriend or five haha then onto the next one…not that I'm speaking from experience posting for a friend lol

Basically what I’m tryna say is we’re not whores. We can just disconnect physical and emotional. It’s a pretty decent skill once you get the hang of it. I don’t need to like you I don’t even need to know your second name and because niggas hate the whole feelings talk you are completely assured that you guys are never getting there so you’re practically on the same line wacha ata page. Now the problem with all this perfect arrangement is when you lose yourself in all this “no feelings” vibe. It’s so hard to notice when someone actually cares for real because you lost faith a long time ago. And when the person that you actually end up liking comes along you try your best not to get close because then you’re kwinished. And you deny yourself the beautiful butterflies-in-stomach feeling because it means you caught feelings and that means you’re about to get hurt. Then comes the mistrust and the notion that they’re just waiting it out and he’s no different he’s just more patient. You become so skeptical of everyone’s intentions however good they actually are it always feels like a trap. 

We have become a society full of people who forgot how to love and how to feel. Who hurt us? Haha I mean. We’re so focused on not falling. Then when the “right” person comes along and we want to trust again- because eventually you do get tired of fixes and the emptiness- you have no idea how to start and you have no clue how to break those walls you put so high guarding your heart and what not. I write about this with so much emotion because I, along with a bunch of my friends are in this same predicament. We sit day to day convincing ourselves that that guy is actually worth it and “Skate you should give it a thought he seems legit” and I’m just there like “Yeah I get it. But how though? Azn how does that even work?” 

I know so many understand what I’m saying. We forgot the basics; the whole boy meets girl process that was so goddamn simple and straight-forward. Now we’re so paranoid a simple hi has to be dissected and decoded because even a blue tick could mean like ten million things. Is he asleep? Is he mad at me? Goes back to check convo, no it’s not me. Is he with his boys? Is he with another bitch? Is he pulling fuckboy moves? Is he dead? Take a screenshot of the scenario and sends to girlfriends and rants and raves and we agree that we’re giving him only 12 hours to reply or we’re deleting his number….

When did shit become so complicated? Honestly I feel like dating in 21st century should’ve come with a manual like some guy from the future should’ve come to us in class six and told us that in ten years or so we should make sure we’re already married because if not even getting someone to take to the movies will be harder than getting a PhD in anthropology. SMH. What I’m thinking is; I think we should change our attitude and not be so suspicious of everyone and everything. I know it feels so naïve but if you think about it, being so careful with your heart hasn’t really gotten you anywhere you still bored AF. Remember in high school when even a mail could make your week and it was the simple things that got us excited and we’d fall for each other so hard and so fast and the thrill of holding hands and a stolen kiss here and there was enough for fantoin in class for a whole term. Times have changed and so have we but it doesn’t mean we can’t still fight for real moments and real emotions and stop running so far away from the very things that make life memorable and worth living. Think about it and give that pretty lady a call and remind her that she’s beautiful and you’d love to see her again. Ladies don’t be so quick to dismiss him these niggas don’t know how to love anymore but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. Say yes to feelings and live life again :)