Let's Talk. Period.

Sorry no poem today. No subtle preparation for what I'm about to write about I'm just coming at it straight- periods. Oh yes. The menses. The curse passed on to all women from our universal mother Eve for her unfathomable interest in an apple (we shall NEVER stop blaming her- low key tho). The ONLY time periods attempt to be a good thing is when you've had a pregnancy scare, then it's a sigh of relief; for a few hours. But today I want to talk about PMS. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. First and foremost I would like to complicate women even farther for all the guys reading this. All women experience their periods differently. Some crump, others don't. And even worse; every individual period is different. Each month, each crump is different. So this notion of, "you've been rolling since 13 but you still don't know how to control it..." You've been having boners since 13 and you still don't know how to control it lol yes I went there.

Okay I'll pretend to take my chill pill now.

I want to go through the main stages of PMS. For all the guys out there, this post is actually for you. For your girlfriend, all your hoes, your mum if she's not at menopause (if she is then it's PMS at its peak) for your sister oh Lord esp your sister you know she'll kill you lmao

So every female is different like I said but we have the general PMS symptoms that just cuts across all borders. This is in no particular order, mother nature just likes to be spontaneous with her hormone release.


1) The I-want-to-eat-everything phase.
This is self-explanatory. Don't judge me, don't ask questions, don't make fun of me. I want chocolate, I want ice-cream, ile place ya nyam-chom nipatie mbuzi nusu ivi.... I suddenly have a craving for this random place I had fries in 2013 and those are the exact fries I want right now and it's perfectly understandable. My appetite is at full-blown stage yet I'm still picky about food I want specific things then I want everything... I just want to eat do you get?? 
If you want to get on my good side get me food & don't let me know that you noticed I'm eating a lot coz that's indirectly calling me fat. Just buy me the large pizza (we're not sharing) and play PS and don't make a big deal out of it.


2) The I'll-straight-up-murder-you phase.
Any and every small thing is irritating. The weather is annoying, what's up with traffic, Safaricom's network today I SWEAR nahama Airtel why am I taking 0.00000539 seconds to load this snap???? The way this mami's fake weave is bouncing when she talks, the excess steam from the shower excuse me this is a fake attempt at being a sauna. The way you breathe mbona chest yako inaheave ivo are you scared you'll be caught what are you hiding?? Normally I would let things slide but today you reply a minute later than usual I block you and delete your number and your photos.... The only difference between this angry phase and every other day is that this time I have no patience, my anger is justified and there are NO brakes. I will send that long text about how much you're full of shit, I will curse at everyone, the verbal diarrhoea cannot be contained. SAVAGERY at its best. This is the time you tell your mum you have a headache anakuambia ungekuwa unafanya something constructive with your life you'd be having real problems 😮
Only remedy is to not engage. If you think I'm being dramatic don't tell me, this may land you in a coma.

3) The crying phase.
Oh my God. This one ata tsk,,, everything all of a sudden is sad. For some reason I'm watching The Fault in our Stars again for the millionth time and I just don't understand why people die why people suffer why do we have to go through pain... Any comment is taken personally. You make fun of my round face and sijui how my big eyes make me look like a doll, it's not playful anymore its a "Why does he say such hurtful things? He is so insensitive" then I cry myself to sleep, listen to sad songs, remember how this guy in class 4 used to buy me lunch and how sweet he was where is he now with another girl having the time of his life 😭😭
This I like to call the creative phase, it's when we write poems and songs lol just don't tell me I'm emotional I already know that. Just go with it even if you think me being upset at Jay Z cheating on Beyonce is complete nonsense.


4) The needy phase.
Gosh. This is the most depressing one. Its like a mixture of 2 and 3 but in a pathetic way. I want attention. A lot of it. I will go crazy or cry or both if you dont show me how important I am to you. I want you to hold me but not touch me why is everything so physical with you? I want you to kiss me but not sana just kidogo coz I dont want to have sex right now. Tell me you love me, how beautiful I am, how I'm the only one for you. I want us to cuddle. I want you to get me food straight to this bed coz I don't want to move. I want you to give me a massage, why are you going to work? School is not everything, I'm your everything you never listen to me! Take a day off & text me all day or call me and tell me how your day was. Why was it uneventful I know I said don't go to work but still???
Guys we know we're very irrational ata sisi hatujui kwa nini. If you know your girl isn't normally clingy then just know it's a phase and she'll be minding her own business in no time.

5)The body-pains phase.
Do NOT. I repeat. Do NOT equate this (due to your lack of understanding) to a mere stomachache ati nikunywe panadol. No sir. This is war in my uterus. This is Sparta very close to my vagina where only good things should happen. Its almost like giving birth every month. Mini-birth. Sometimes its just stomach crumps. Sometimes my back is aching I can't sleep right because my whole body is tired. I have a headache sometimes I'll puke or worse, diarrhea. Yes. Its every bit as nasty as it sounds. Do not even get me started on boobs. They feel like mini buckets of milk being helped up by safety pins and if its cold oohmygod nikama maziwa ndani imeganda now it just feels like its been plastered by sand paper nipples are so sensitive ata ukifikiria kushikwa unaskia tu uchungu. Sometimes ata nywele inauma na fingertips all of a sudden I don't why don't ask me why. That's how messed up it is. Sometimes Bascopan plus will work, sometimes I need to get a shot from the hospital coz I look like death itself, sometimes I just need to take a nap. 

Like I said, every period is different. So just understand or keep quiet which is usually the same thing.


6) The I-Want-To-Be-Pounded phase.
This I think is the only phase that favours men lol At this point in time almost every man looks like he can score. Even if he's shooting blanks. Now you can touch me and tell me all the things you want to do to me. And then you can proceed to do them. If you have a man halali btw ebu fulfill your duties goddamit I know its 11 am and you're busy so what you want me to go get Dicknified somewhere else?? If you're single this is usally when body count inaongezwa. Unaacha maringo, unareply text, you call that nigga up like "Are you free tomorrow there's an opening in my vagina" lmao. 
Very Important: It's not that I'm desperate its just there is this VERY hollow feeling down below that NEEDS to filled. NOW. I don't care what you're doing. I really don't btw. And I want to be in control. What's that position you mentioned last year let's do it. I'm not playing boy I'm barking orders. Mara let's do it like this, mara lets go to the table, mara its round 4 why is your dick slacking what part of I'm horny don't you understand....

There is no remedy for this. Except for the D. Simple.


This is just but a summary of the gazillion emotions going through our system before we have our periods. And just because its "that time of the month" doesn't mean it only happens at end month watu wengine sijui waliskip science from class 5 SMH. Ladies it's important to know yourself. It's good to know why you are acting the way you do. The guys have a point btw all these years we must have gathered a thing or two from our cycles. Know what type of crazy you are. If you know you snap easily & you say the first thing that comes to your mind hio siku ata heri usitoke kwa room.Watch tu movies ama ufanye exercise for once & let off that extra energy that wants to pick a fight but don't kosana with people over temporary hormones for Eve's sake. Kama unajua you're sensitive don't get into arguments esp with guys who won't even know they're "hurting your feelings" & even your girlfriends esp if you have friends like me who will call you out on your bullshit utashinda tu umelia hapo nobody loves you nobody understands you na dunia inaendelea tu kuturn.....

Na aki this tabia of "I don't know when I'll roll zitacome tu zikijiskia" mashiro si wezi madam unajua zitakuja whatchu mean you don't know nkkkktt. Girrrlll you're not in class 7 anymore take control of that shit this is your body. If you're too lazy to count or it just confuses you, you can download a period app. Ziko kama a million app store. The ones that calculate for you when you'll have your p's based on your cycle, when your fertile days are etc. Trust me it helps; also to know when to go on a rampage esp during that horny phase usiende ukiokota mimba kila mahali ata hukumbuki ni nani lol

Our periods have been here since time immemorial let's stop pretending it doesn't happen and instead try to understand what happens around that time so that we all co-exist peacefully. I may or may not be going through PMS as I type this which is why I decided to just explain this shit to the world, watu waambiwe. You're probably going all "So that's why juzi she was so..." And you're very welcome for that. Not every crazy emotion however is PMS. But I do promise you, that until Jesus comes and probably after, we females WILL blame our periods for our nonsensical emotions but you as a man CANNOT. Just don't cross that line. Choose happiness. That's free advice and you're welcome again.

Btw I'm just so irritated at this keypad autocorrecting all my swahili words BLACK LIVES MATTER OKAY?!!!!!!!! 


I hope this has helped :)