L.O.V.E.

It's the way his voice sounded

and how words rolled off his lips.

It's the way he mentioned my name

when he was trying to make a point.

It's the way that he smiled

and how soft the curve was shaped.

It's the way his mouth looked

when he was about to laugh.

It's the way he gazed at me

and how his eyes pierced into mine.

It's the way he stops mid-sentence and stares

that makes me want to pee myself.

It's the way his breath felt

when he whispered in my ear.

It's the way his body heat turned me on

and that was not even meant to be a pun.

It's the way his hands clasped around mine

and made me feel warm.

It's the way his arms engulfed me

and I got lost in his world.

It's the way he would hold me

and own me like a trophy.

It's the way he'd carry me around

like I was his favorite prize.

It's the way his lips would suck mine

and make me lose all sense of control.

It's the way he would take his time

to devour every inch of me.

It's the way he teased

when he'd want to drive me wild.

It's the way he'd spin me around

and let me take him for a ride.

It's how he'd look at me

like he knows me inside and out.

It's how he'd wait for me

and never left me behind.

It's how he'd cuddle me

and lay awake till morning light.

It's how much I reminisce

and wish we could do it all over again.

Love.

Lust.

The L word. Infatuation, crush blah blah all these smart words people throw around tryna confuse our heads when bottom line is, you basically can't stop thinking about someone and whatever it is that you want from them. At what point do we tell the difference?? Please when you do find out let me know coz I'm also lost.

Ever watched a movie/programe/ series and you felt like they were acting your life? Like they just read a page from last year and added it to the script just so you can shit your pants when watching it? Okay, not literally, but I've had those moments. Which reminds me, I am writing a book. I've been writing it since sijui form three and I'm at chapter six. It's an autobiography :) Sometimes when bad or dramatic things happen in my life I think to myself "this would make an interesting read" and then I lose psyche because I keep remembering that my parents will probably want to read and I'm not so sure they'd wanna know what I've been upto since highschool-that guarantees no inheritance and I really need that house :)

So anyway, where was I? Yes, my life in a movie. I am sadly and shockingly the type that cries in a movie. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic and you didn't know this until I told you because I'm very good at hiding things. But say something like The Fault in our Stars. Saddest shit ever yoh that movie should be banned. I felt emotions I didn't even know existed. Thought of things that only depressed people think about. Like if I die right now. Ok not right now right now like after-an-hour right now... how would people react? Yeah I know people would be devastated coz I'm adorable and all that ((lazima nijiamini msee)) but who's life would literally STOP? The thought of Kathleen dying will just be so painful and so unreal to them they'd fall into a trance and be traumatized and not talk in like 10 years. Okay hapo nime-exaggerate but it's sad that I came to the conclusion that I don't know if such a person exists. But I know who would die and my world would just crumble.

Which brings me to something they call love lorn. Unrequited love. What has been the story of my life since I was born. Maybe even before lol Okay, I might have had some breakthroughs in the past year, but they were just that, breakthroughs. And nowadays, people date for ALL the wrong reasons. Fame, money, can't be alone, to make the ex jealous, he/she is so sexy, constant tap. Maybe I'm too ol'school and ol'fashioned and unrealistic but once upon a time I was in love ( oh that L word ). And it was the best feeling in the world, also the worst hehe but the good ALWAYS gets you through the bad. And I'm not even kidding. That's how I know for sure that love really is out there, no matter how much people say it isn't. And no matter how NON-EXISTENT it is in my world right now haha I feel like it took a vacation and it kinda got lost but I know it'll find its way back. Because I damn well deserve it, and we all do. Does that mean we should stop having mediocre relationships? No, we can have whomever we want. But we know deep down that it ain't real. And I just think if it ain't real, why bother? I'd rather put all my energy into a future real than a present fake coz when you do get someone that's down for you, you won't have anything left to give.

I was talking to my.... let's call him a very good friend yesterday and he actually sorta inspired this post. He was talking bout some girl he likes who thinks bewitched him ((btw did I mention I'm Kamba? We have a reputation....)) and he said "What I have with her is love. She's not just some beauty queen. Simple. A little crazy and stubborn and very naiive... I think I love her flaws even better...". Now I know this guy, not all my life duuuh but for a while and I NEVER in my life thought he'd ever say that about another human being let alone a girl that he actually gives a shit about. So now I know guys have hearts despite how they like to pretend they "don't catch feelings" haha it just takes the right kinda girl from the blues to get you hooked.

This gave me a lot of hope which I'd like to infect to anyone else reading this. For those girls who think all guys are the same, they can change!! :) And to all guys who are tired of the same old shallow shit and you need a girl that can actually cook and clean, there is hope. (And yes I can cook and clean)

This post was super sentimental but I'd like to blame the fact that I din't have coffee in the morning and my class bounced and it's my girl's birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOBOO) and I'm all kinds of emotions bundled up into one so *sighs* let's fall in love this 2015.

Expired

Just like the date

on the milk carton I don't even drink

I think I can see

the expiry date on this friendship.

And it's even passed.

Don't see eye to eye no more

Don't even see you at all and 

I ain't even complaining.

I used to cry when you left

text you something sweet and encouraging

whenever you'd cross my mind.

Now you're like at the bottom

of my whatsapp messages.

And I only noticed that

coz I was sending you an invite

to a party I was attending

coz a part of me still cares

still remembers

still struggles to keep us together.

I been stretching out the second chances

or should I say infinite chances

coz I can't even count

the number of times we've collided.

And we keep coming back 

to this toxicity and foolishness

just to get close enough to

break and crush each other again.

Once bitten twice shy.

It's been too many times

my heart and body is exhausted.

We was fresh for a long while but the glue is over

 baby girl we're now expired.

Ever had those moments when you feel like you're just DONE kabisa, kaput, finished, finito, END, you just can't anymore? When you think of someone you love who's just hurt you to the core yaani you can't even believe it? Then you think of all the good times you guys had, the laughter, the stupid moments. The silly things y'all did that only you two know about coz the world would judge very harshly. And it kinda makes you wonder if they really treasured that friendship as much as you did.

Yeah, we can't be perfect but do we try? I tend to think friendship is basically about mutual respect. There are no boundaries but then again, there are. Bro/girl codes and all. Hoes over bros- which btw pisses me off its whores not hoes I mean a hoe is a gardening tool- but you get the whole idea. But selfishness gets in the way and we forget aaaall about loyalty and again, forget to respect that friendship. IF we stopped ourselves before doing something and thought "Would this in any way affect our relationship negatively? Should I run this by him/her just to make sure?" the world would definitely be a better place. But coz we're human like that we don't care about the other person's feelings, or we realize we do after we've already messed up and we can't do without that person.

I like how I'm talking like some great saint but I have been that person too. Yes I'm small and cute and all that crap but devil knows I can give him a run for his reputation lol I have done some pretty mean things, said some pretty harsh things too (( but then again, I'm not a nice person so I really don't see the difference)), I have started rumors, spread them, I've hated on people, people I called friends, it's a bad life I once lived I don't even know how they forgave me. Maybe they haven't haha but I changed. I did after I got a big taste of my own medicine wow backstabbing all the way to the front mahn, I call it a lesson learnt :)

We grow out of people, friendships, we grow up in short. We lose some, we gain some. Others are like always on transition, they're there but then they aren't. But there always remains those people you really can't get rid of. And you try but you guys just keep coming back. I personally can't hold a grudge but I try so hard hoping maybe I'll finally prove that I'm done for real. But we keep going back I guess coz it's always easier to make it work with that one person that knows you inside out than to try it with somebody knew. They say better the devil you know than the angel you don't right? It's somehow true partly because we're too lazy to start friendships with strangers and partly because we're scared of letting people in. Coz letting people into your world, IS a big deal. Friends are usually closer than your brother, term brother being used very loosely here, but they're like you're other half. The other side of you.

I just think we should work on our friendships a lot more harder than we do. We take our friends for granted most of the time coz we know they'll be down anyway. Ride or die, day one nigga, your fam,,, but are you theirs too? We focus so much on how they've wronged us and how they're not acting like the way they're supposed to.

But in as much as we should work on our friends, we also need to know when it's time to let go. When it's time to just break it off and move on. Knowing that not everything works, is the most valuable lesson I learned on my own. Not everything is gonna be forever, I don't even think there's a forever. It's not always gonna be sunshine and roses, the thorns are there too. And sometimes,,, you're probably growing on the wrong side of the garden. You just need to figure out where it's at, be true to yourself, know when to stick around and when you cut loose. You have only one life to live.

Man in my life

Millebaci lipgloss

Raybans stunners

Gold chain, gold watch

My fresh belly ring

New Victoria secret underneath

And that Fantasy perfume

Everything, check.

Ready to show up in style

Rock his world

How I always do, y'know?

No?

Maybe that's coz he didn't show.

And my skin got tanned

waiting for him in the sun.

I think I even lost weight

walking around tryna give him time

Time he wasn't worthy of

coz clearly, it's been four hours now.

Why though?

I mean, he could just cancel.

It's just a phone call or even worse, a text.

But silence, damn

that's him making damn sure

he's never seing me again.

So I head back to where I'm from.

Still rocking. still stunning.

And the oglers around stare and think

"Boy I'd love to be with her.

The man in her life must be so lucky"

Hmmm

Funny how the man in my life

don't seem to know that yet.

This, was a poem written by a very angry Kenyan girl that got stood up. Me.

But I wasn't wearing Victoria Secret and God knows my mum will KILL me if she found out I have a belly ring haha but bottom line is, we all know this feeling.

When you're ready for him and you're all excited. You cancelled all your other plans, your girls know you're going to see him and they're waiting for you to come back for a sleepover and give em all the dits of what happened. (Yeah, girls talk too.) You're feeling all Miss Independent for yourself, using your own means not depending on him for fare for a mat or a cab you go it all covered. I mean, we all know why you really going there, it's a booty call. Which happens ALOT to those who are single. Got like a million sides and I don't even know if they're still sides coz it's not like there's a main right?

Girls we always say " I'm not about that life anymore." "I'm done with him." "I'm not gonna be just another bitch in his life. If he wants me he should make me his ONLY girl. I don't even wanna see him again" haha that one is the BIGGEST lie we tell our friends and ourselves. The minute he texts or calls and asks if you're free on Friday and you had something super important to do, you'll say yes in a heartbeat and start thinking of an excuse to tell your friends. "But you know he's known me for so long it's not like he's just a random guy." "But he just broke up with his chic he can't handle anything serious right now you know how heartbreaks can be" 

I wish God would come down and tell us why we're such suckers to toxic relationships and raw deals. We deserve better men who will be there for us and all that good shit that's practically impossible. And I guess it doesn't help the situation when we don't put our feet down and refuse to be "used" and treated like crap but then again,,, idk mahn. Times have changed so much and we're not the same people we were even a year ago. Most of us are much much worse. Which is sad coz we should be growing older and wiser and all but it's like we're just devising new ways to compromise on our values.

One day, we'll look back on our "youth" and that's what scares me. Mahn idk if I'm gonna laugh or cry. Sometimes I can't even picture a future me it's like my vision ends at this Saturday when I attend that party I've been anticipating. Thinking about the future sucks coz well, I have to think and nobody likes "thinking about their life". If someone asks me right now, "What do you want for your life?" I'll probably just look like I'm thinking hard but I know in my head it's just an echo of nothing. So today, I'm challenging myself to think about what I actually want in my life right now. Coz imma just keep on taking whatever comes coz there are no standards to be met anyway. 

We all need to think about the kinda shit we take in our lives and we'll realize we don't deserve all that crap. But we still stay in that place maybe coz it's scary to get up and move on coz we're moving on to NOTHING. Getting over people or things is hard because you're getting out of it then what?? What do you do now? Fear of the unknown they call it. So we end up jumping from one bad habit to another which is by itself a very bad habit. We NEED to get rid of our bad habits and idk get hobbies haha it sounds cliche and boring. But thrill is overrated mahn. We need to take a chill pill...