Feeling and denying
How she's used to living
She can't afford to get caught
Up in the real shit
She's short of time
To recover
And the strength
To pick herself up.
And the faith
In humanity again.
She's saving it all up
For the right one
If he comes.
If he exists
Convinced that she'll know when the time comes.
Because trust is a luxury
And she's not pretty enough
Or smart enough
To own such pleasures.
So she gets up each morning
And cries herself to pretence
To last through the day
With smiles and laughs.
And goes back to bed
Alone
And writes imaginary letters
To past hims in her life
The one that's haunting her today.
And lastly
To the him that got away
The him that didn't make it alive
The one she gave up for him
The one she didn't fight for
The one he never fought for either
The one she lost
For fear of being alone.
And she promises to get it together this time
And not fall for their lies
About being there.
Because she's been alone despite all this.
And forces herself to sleep
And face the nightmares anew as her subconscious torments
With dreams of happiness and peace
Peace from within.
As she awaits to do this all over again.
Till it ends.
If it'll end.
To whomever it may concern,
My love. You have no idea how much I feel for you. I choose the word feel because it's so many emotions channeled towards you. So much intensity my being can't handle whatever it is that you do to me. You consume me. You fill me in so many ways baby you take over me. When your name crosses my mind, I feel these chills in my left hand down to my leg up my backbone to my chest in my heart and down in my loins so deep in that part that only you gets to baby if only you knew how weak my mind gets fighting against you; fighting you; a war it has to win because its fighting alone. My heart already chose you and it gives no reason. My body chose you and it reminds me time and again why you win. My soul longs for you and your presence and your energy around me when I think of you I desire so much that sometimes only you could fulfill. You may not be that powerful, but with me, you instantly become that god. My mind knows it's an illusion and there's nothing much to it but my heart and body are already at the soles of your feet honey, they worship you. And they take out every minute from my memory, every second that we have ever shared and relive it bit by bit until I feel what I'd felt before over and over like waves until I get weak in my knees and my chest is heaving and my breathe gets caught in my throat and my eyes close and my womanhood is deep and ready for you and my whole essence is crying for your attention. Baby I want you. In ways I don't understand and ways I didn't think I would ever want anything. Ways I doubt any mortal man would satisfy. Darling I am in love with the idea of you. Its that simple fact that makes you the most important man to have ever crossed my path and I doubt there will be another. What you have done to me, without your knowledge, has single-handedly made you the man I will always choose. The man who is the marking scheme I will use to grade every other man that walks in after you. The man who has set the bar and the definition of the boxes I will forever use to check against every other man that attempts to replace you. Baby you are unfortunately; or fortunately, the father of my dead unborn child and the love I will never have and the reason for the ache and void in my heart that only you can fill if only you knew how to. I have no more words for you my love; my mind is as blank as my defense for why I will Always Pick You.
