JUDGE ME NOT

One two three

number of weeks I've been waiting

for the expected

y'know, after I took the pills.

It wasn't my fault

technically

it broke in the process;

blame physics I guess.

But I was drunk too

or high

or both, to remember what happened.

I just take precautions

lol

Irony of that now

considering the ultimate is abstinence.

haha

that word has always been too long

maybe that's why I don't remember it.

Oh well, back to the bathroom where I left it.

Eight nine ten

minutes I've been counting

with wild thoughts in my head.

Damn, it's positive.

I checked.

This is my third test by the way.

My life flashes before my eyes

literally

the events of that night

the few memories I can savage

because it was full of emptiness.

What do I do?

Should I tell him?

Will he even do anything about it?

Does he even still have my number

or did he lose it with his phone

for the hundredth time this month.

Four five

seconds I've been ringing his phone

"Hello? Who's this?"

Okay girl,

this is it... 

When I was small, there a lot of things I said I'd never do. A lot of circumstances I used to judge. I grew up in the church you see, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing entirely, but there are certain behaviours you grow up with. Like hypocrisy. Man is to error, nobody is perfect, but when you grow up in the church some errors are worse than others. The errors that can be seen I guess. Being pregnant, having tattoos, having "ungodly" friends blah blah And it's not only in the church but in our society too. Some issues are judged upon more gravely than others.

This past years, so much has changed. When I think about all the things I grew up knowing was wrong and how many of them are off my bucket list already haha I can't help feeling sorry for the church. Most PK (Pastor's Kid) usually end up worse than most kids and I know why because I'm more or less one of them. There's so much pressure to be perfect and be the best example and pretending can only last so long. Curiosity is in everyone, including Christians. Just that it's easier for kids that are aren't brought up in the church because they're allowed to make mistakes. I'm not saying they're allowed to do whatever they want, but it's less taboo if you drank wine you took from your dad's cabinet I mean, it was there it's not a new phenomenon. But for PK's and those close, almost everything is taboo and it's only human to want to experience things. Only, we end up not doing it in moderation because we're tryna do everything at once coz it's such few chances you'll get. You can't talk to your parents about going out or for a concert who's dj is not a Christian. Usual questions "Which church does she go to? Do her parents go to church? Give me her parent's number I talk to them." Now I get there's the need to protect a child and to "lead them in the ways of the Lord" but children are children. You automatically grow up knowing people that don't go to church are bad and are going to hell, which is not the case. Then you grow up, you talk less to your parents because you know they would never approve of anything because it's not godly. This I think is why we have so many PKs everywhere going crazy with immorality and recklessness because as soon as they're out of their parents' house, freedom is all they see.

People like to talk and judge things they think they are above. Your unguarded strength is your greatest weakness. And this is true. Most self-righteous people that think "Aaaah, that's never happening to me." most times end up in that same trap. Pastors, priests, bishops have fallen so many times- stealing and mostly adultery. And most people that judge them are saying this with their mpango wa kandos "Mi hawa mapastor siwaamini". It's funny considering you're doing the same thing but it's allowed for you because you're not a pastor haha people are funny.

If someone steals don't condemn them while you know personally gossiping is your second name. It's easy to talk from the other end I tell you but no one wants to be condemned. Life is unfair and people go through weird experiences, some of which we can never really understand.

JUDGE NOT THOSE THAT SIN DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU.

UNTITLED

She's so beautiful seated against the window

 Her small black eyes, you should see how they roll back

how they roll back

when she's smiling, when she's talking

when she's letting you into her mind

She's so beautiful.

She's intelligent, books against her petite chest

Her pretty fingers as she pushes back her brown hair

her brown hair

when she's walking, sound of her echo

her mind takes me out of this world

She's so beautiful.

I miss how we used to hold hands

how we called each other best friend

I miss

our upside down kiss

 the dimple above your cheek

I  miss I miss I miss.

This was a song I wrote to my then best friend of some couple of years ago. Background to this story,,, well let's assume this is the part where I flashback to like when I was a kid.

Okay so, some day when I was in form three or for those lucky ones lol grade sijui its eleven or twelve. So, it was the day I was going back to school, boarding of course. Now the supermarket was walking distance to our place so I was given money to do my shopping and was to be packed and ready to leave by 3pm. I was to be in school by 3:30pm and it was close to home too like 15 minute drive (okay driving with my mum who drives like a matatu driver). So I took a lazy walk to the supermarket, did my kidogo shopping frowning at how everything was suddenly so expensive and how I had to leave a lot out. When I was done I started walking lazily back to the house. I had to pass through a railway then reach some point where I divert now to the road that's taking me home. I'm busy listening to my playlist seeing as it'll be the last time I'll listen to my music in like two months. I kept looking behind to check if a train was coming or anything y'know, just to be sure, I'm deaf sometimes plus I had earphones on up to the highest volume it was basically a club in my head.

I had noticed some goofy man following me, short, not built, weird hat and a heavy jumper whilst it was like 100 degrees tsk nway so I divert and he's still walking behind me. He then detours and goes to some bushes and I thought he was taking a piss which is a habit I absolutely HATE in men so I just roll my eyes and walk on. After a while he's back behind me. My naiive mind is thinking " Oh wow! Kumbe we're even going in the same direction. He must be one of those mjengo guys." and I keep on walking slowly. Then eventually I feel him closely behind me so I remove one earphone and move to the side near the wall thinking he was in a bit of a hurry, maybe he's late after their lunch break. Then he starts fixing his belt so furiously and I'm thinking " kwani he didn't have enough time to do that in the bush." Then he starts closing in on me, walking slowly besides me so I suddenly turn to find him staring at me so lustfully. At this point he apparently considered it the best time to "fix his belt" right infront of me, you can just imagine my shock. I immediately dropped my shopping and stood transfixed to the ground depressingly unable to take my eyes off this man who was masturbating right before my eyes without any shame whatsoever. He then said "Ama unaitaka? Unataka nikuingie?" I couldn't talk I just shook my head and desperately wanted to move but couldn't. He said "Basi enda kabla nikushike" then he started ejaculating everywhere. That gave me the strength from God knows where and I took my bags and ran like I've never ran before and trust me I'm the laziest bitch in the world. I got home, went straight to my room, sat on my bed and closed my eyes. But there are just some things you can't unsee.

I texted my boyfriend at the time who was also my closest friend (whom I soon broke up with because of reasons that will be explained in the next two paragraphs) and told him what happened. He called me almost immediately, he was pretty upset and I could sense in his voice he was also scared on my behalf and now that I think about it, scared that another man just ruined the whole concept of the male anatomy for me. I took a shower and got ready for school. My mum came to pick me up, we went to school, I didn't tell her about it and she still doesn't know up to this day. I know she'll say "Nilikuambia mara ngapi usitembee pekee yako kwa hio kichochoro?" haha but I still love her even with her tough love.

Point is, from that day, men were a complete turn off till I finished highschool. So yes, I turned lesbian and I-for some funny reason-do not regret a damn thing I did during that phase. Curiosity killed the cat but I like to say, the cat had nine lives haha I got into trouble a MILLION times but you know when you're "young" everything you do feels right and you'll defend it with all you've got coz at that point in time it's all you know. This is why I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, it was that serious.
 

When I put my head into something I go all in so I had got a girlfriend. Okay I'm speaking as if she was somewhere just waiting to be picked up lol but, I had a girlfriend. Pretty as hell. She could dance, still does :) She was my roommate and she's the first person I told my almost-rape encounter. She was a new student and had been in our school like half a term. But we clicked and became "bffs" right away. She instinctively became my bestfriend with time especially a year after when people "busted us" which they didn't technically coz noone had ever caught us in the act. What act you ask? Google has that covered :) Anyway, what I was saying is. Before I finished highschool I had big dreams of being a musician. And considering I'd started writing poems since I was like 11 I decided when I actually do an album, no matter how old I'll be, I'll remember to include that song about my young flame back when I was young and reckless. Not that I'm now old but I'm kinda grown up now. I finished highschool met men out here who reminded me why I was a woman haha (Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner welcome to our world btw).

Why did I decide to post this, because it's her birthday this month and it's about the time when we first met. And I just remembered all that happened since then and now. We have been through so much, we were beaten up, we cried together, we were separated and prohibited from being seen together for months, we were hated, people didn't want to sit with us haha I wish they knew they weren't even my type anyway. But we finished school and amazingly stayed friends. We're both straight now, I think we even forgot about those years. We have fought so many times, there are times I'd want to strangle the life out of her but, when you think about starting friendship with other people that don't know you, that don't get you, don't know your angles haha I'd rather make it work with that one person that values our friendship as much as I do. So treasure the close friends in your life coz we all have that one person we'd take a bullet for. They are the family we choose.