No calling,
No texting.
No boning
That's the real tough one.
We on some trys-ex shit
Alone time shit
How long will we last?
We call it the break up drill.
It's playing god with emotions
Get the waterworks in motion
Test how it's gonna be over waters
Literally over waters.
Out of sight,
Out of mind,
But the heart's got cheat codes
This thing called hope
And denial
Can't tell the difference really
Coz I'm still in this.
Way too deep
Deeper than those seas you'll be crossing
Waiting for something crazy
So I can get mad
Get frustrated,
Get tired,
Tired enough to let go.
Coz these heart strings
They have maximum tolerance
They're taking everything
Even the shit I'm way above.
Good girls deserve better
But they don't know any better
Learned helplessness
And settling for runners up.
No energy to fight
For what they truly worth
Coz everyday is a battle
Just to be in the running.
Sitting and waiting
Planning for when this is done
No communication
But I'm still writing letters
You shut me out
But I'm still knocking
They said you moved out
But I've been camping outside
Coz this ain't for real
This just the break up drill.
That's all there is to it
We just playing practice.
You wouldn't do this to me
They don't understand that
They don't see you when you with me
They don't even get it
When you were deep up in it
We had a soulful agreement
A contract beyond us
You wouldn't even betray it.
This is just a break up drill.
There's way more to us.
Years years and years
Even if it'll just be in my mind.
This. Is. Just. A. Breakup. Drill.
This semester, I'm on some transition of changing my major to psychology. I did notice as well, that this year, in these few months, I have been most in touch with my emotions. Not necessarily that I've been more emotional, rather I've been more aware of what's going on emotionally. Coz you know most times shit is just happening and you don't even know what you're feeling until you're subconsciously acting on it 😂
I read some quote today saying "Sometimes it is hard to leave that which makes you so sad because it was the only thing that made you so happy". And in my head I was just like yassss tuuruuu 👏🏽👏🏽 you know the way we get so excited when you see something that sounds deep lmao.. But then I really thought about it. Like really legit thought about it. And it does make sense 😂 A lot. Like I swear it seriously explains all the reasons why people stay in whatever situations that they do. Ever heard those mamis who say ati "Ooohh you don't know how he is with me... He's just changed but I know deep inside he's a good man." And honestly I don't think it's always excuses. I think it's hope. Coz I mean if you had errrmmm let's say this huge TV that used to work so well, when it starts having problems you don't throw it away immediately. You fix it. And you try and try because you imagine the money you spent to buy it and how now you'll have to start afresh incurring new costs yet you KNOW this tv CAN work. I feel like we do the same thing with people. You don't give up not necessarily because you don't want to be lonely and all that. It's because you have seen their good side, you know their potential, you have invested your time and energy and you honestly believe that this is the best thing you could have right now. So when someone tells you to go and leave them alone it's like 🙆🏽 do you not understand the value of what this is right here? If we make it work we can be happiest thing eveeerr!!! I mean what are the chances that I will leave and still end up settling? There is no guarantee that I will get a better person? A better person with say more money may come with his own issues like being a control freak. A better person who say makes time for me may come with his extra set of issues like him being lazy and doing nothing with his life. So why not stay here with the "devil I know" where I know exactly what I'm dealing with? Coz one thing I have noticed is that: everyone is a work in progress. Our mothers made our fathers the men they are today they were just young guys with enough dowry and a good job 😂 coz that's the shit that used to matter then 😂 I like to think that if you're dating a young guy now (emphasis on young guy coz if he's in his 30s and his life is a mess hapo hakuna hope that's mid-life crisis waiting to happen), there's a lot of shit we should be willing to live with. These niggas out here don't have shit figured out. We don't all have it together either. The whole point is to get someone who's going in the same direction and just stumble pamoja till you get there. Idk why we expect them to be these pillars of absolute strength because of the ideas that we have of what men are supposed to be. And because of this pressure guys either just give up altogether in trying to be good or just pretend they are until eventually they get caught up in so many lies.... Weh I have gone so far lol
Okay back to what I was saying about staying vs leaving. Which is what many women battle with nowadays. Whether we admit it or not. We're always thinking it. Everyone tells us we deserve better then we look back on our past experiences and see how this is probably the best you could do right now so it's like 😩😩 maybe if the Lord just dropped that man everyone keeps talking about that would be great 😂
Of course there are situations where we let ourselves accept the wrong things and we allow men to take advantage of us. But I'm such a strong believer that people are good. And that has become a weakness to a fault coz I always choose to see the good in people heck I honestly believe there was something good about Hitler maybe if someone just cared enough 😂😂 but yaani... It's just scary thinking that if you decide to give up, 37 years from now you might meet this person in traffic and see them in that other car with his wife and 4 lovely kids and look at your ring and just think "I would've been that bitch if I just believed in him more". The reality that my simple decision now could determine my fate for years to come when I can't change it honestly terrifies me so much coz I hate regrets 😂 and being such an indecisive person just makes the whole process so tedious. Personally my friends just gave up on me 😂 they're just waiting for me to "come crying when it's all done" and I'm just like imagine it's okay. I just don't want to ever say that I lost something because I didn't try. Let it not be my own undoing and so until then, me and my heart will stay put and just decorate hii box niliingia 😂😂
I don't think love is blind, love is what I like to call - choosing to make an informed decision and sticking with it.
Didn't know how to
But the dimples on your face
Every time you crack up
And how you view life
Full of such childlike simplicity.
Something sentimental to me
When my mind would drift off
How he would've been just like you
Or grown up to be you.
For a long time
Was afraid to let go
And enjoy what you were
But when the masks came off
It was time to put them back again.
Words can never express
What it feels to laugh with you
Only time will tell
The magnitude of how much
I'll miss these times
As they happen now
Coz they have an expiry date.
We fought so much
About such little things
When we sat down to rest
It was already time to leave.
I may never understand
Why all this was about you.
I'm done questioning
The heart and it's preferences.
The peace that was our ambience
The respect that was your choices
The love that was my actions
The ending that is our present.
